2nd February 2017 was seven year ago.. seemingly just another ordinary day on the calendar.. but not for me.. Daddy was in the hospital with acute renal failure and the last possible option of Dialysis had been attempted and proven unsuccessful.. His nephrologist had very gently and kindly broken the news to me that unfortunately Daddy wouldn’t be coming home from the hospital this time..
Daddy was singularly the most practical person I have ever
known and although we never told him what the doctor had said, he was
intelligent enough to realize that all was not well.. visits from long missed
but not forgotten people and associates.. calls from overseas.. notes of
gratitude from people he had mentored and given their “first chance” in life
etc..
When I was eating lunch at home that afternoon, an old
schoolfriend called me from the US and said “I know your Dad is very unwell and
all of us are praying that he goes peacefully.. but he’s lingering on because
of you! He is worried about you.. how you will manage alone.. cope with losing
him.. live your life.. and I know this because the same thing happened with my
mother a short while ago.”
She went on to tell me “You need to LET GO.. and how
will you do that? Sit down quietly and thank him for all that he did for you..
taught you.. gave you.. shared with you and blessed you with. Tell him (in your
heart) that you’re “all grown up” now and will be fine and that he should stop
worrying about you and just “let go” so he can move ahead on his soul journey”.
Easier said than done.. it was heartbreaking in the extreme and but I didn’t
want to prolong his suffering and so I did as she said..
Reaching the hospital, I sat quietly while Daddy gave
me a long speech about what a good daughter I’d been and how he was so proud of
me.. and how he wanted me to live the rest of my life.. how very much he loved
me and so on.. He insisted that I attend a family birthday party that night
despite my protests.. typical of him.. always putting my happiness on priority!
The fateful call came at 3:35 am from Breach Candy
Hospital on the 3rd of February saying that he had passed away.. and
I was shattered! The loss of a parent is always devastating but for me, it was
like someone had yanked my heart right out of my body.. it felt like I would
never smile again and there was an abyss of sorrow and loneliness that would
never be filled! He had been the centre of my universe for so long that getting
used to his absence was a physical pain!
I grieved.. cried.. wept.. spent sleepless nights..
and as time went by.. took comfort in the care and concern of friends and
family.. The realization dawned (and stayed with me) as to how such a (seemingly)
quiet and uncommunicative person had built relationships with so many people
and garnered so much goodwill.. Gratitude overwhelmed me when people made
remarks like “You are so much your father’s daughter” or “Narendrabhai would be
so proud to see you today” and “If God ever gave me a daughter, I would have
wanted her to be just like you”! Not the praise for me – the praise for
qualities I inherited from him!
The 3rd of February is the saddest day of
the year for me.. and at the same time joyful.. for it is a chance to thank you
Daddy.. for teaching me to be punctual.. polite.. organized.. generous..
thoughtful.. helpful.. sympathetic.. shrewd.. thinking.. hardworking.. and yet
in all this.. to retain a child-like innocence and a gentle sense of humour!
Thank you for insisting that I study well.. exercise neat penmanship.. give
free rein to my sometimes wild imagination.. for bringing me out of a
completely abusive and dysfunctional marriage and always being my biggest
cheerleader and one man army!
There isn’t a day goes by that I don’t think of you..
and miss you.. and love you even more than I did the day before.. but I know
you’re finally in a better place.. your suffering is over.. and no matter
what.. you will always be with me.. and a part of my soul.. and.. in the absolutely
immortal words of Whitney Houston..
“And I.. will always.. love you.. and I.. will always..
love you..”
You are the best ma'am ,really you inspiration you always guide me.
ReplyDeleteYour sharing the last moments with your father ...the love support & togetherness you shared is seeped in every word . It was like you let me enter a sacred Shrine to be allowed to pay my respects to a Man I have not met but Know. Your Daddy & your Mother both live in you and in true relationships there is no separation. I Pray for their Souls upward onward journey & wish you the best for your own life.
ReplyDeleteRemembering our dear uncle today
ReplyDeleteThere are very few people whose loss just cannot be forgotten. Your dad was one such person. If he remains so much in our mindspace, whom we had the fortune of meeting, but intermittently; we can imagine the loss you have suffered, who was constantly with him.
ReplyDeleteYou have always been an exemplary daughter, any parent would be proud to have,
Thanks for sharing the last moments you had with him. Your blog is indeed quite poignant.
So touchingly expressed, Pallu. My heart goes out to you for your grief, longing and the courage you show through it all. Your dad as I knew him, must be so proud to read this!
ReplyDeletePallu thanks for sharing your dad was always motivating you live the way he lived and be proud 🙏
ReplyDeleteBrilliantly written Pallu , straight from your heart to the heart of a lot of people who have gone through the exact same emotion.. we will always cherish and remember our dads and I know now hard it is to say let go and move on as I had to do the same.
ReplyDeleteMore power and love to you. This is so hear touching. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteSo heartfelt! Through your writing, I could feel the closeness you shared with your father and how special the bond was and is. You are blessed to have been so loved and cherished. I believe that we make 'soul relations' that continue into whatever parallel universe/next life cycle we graduate to once we move on from this life. Hugs! I know you must miss him terribly today, but this piece of writing is also a celebration of him and his awesomeness- a great human being, an inspiration to many and most importantly a beloved and caring father. He's smiling down on you :)
ReplyDeleteThank you Pallavi for sharing this wondeful and yet a sad blog.
ReplyDeleteSudhir
Thanks dear Pallu for always focusing on the love, kindness, goodness with such profound appreciation
ReplyDeleteLetting go of a person dearly loved is the toughest decision in life. But as your friend gently advised you, with acceptance, comes a calm, to know that you have done your best for that loved one. Memories will always be there, and will bring tears too, but they are there to remind us that " I am beside you ♥️ "
ReplyDeleteKANAN NAIR
ReplyDeletePallu...this is heart wrenching! I could identify with each word that expresses every single emotion you felt. It tugged at my heartstrings as my eyes turned moist. After all no matter what, the vacuum of losing a parent can never be filled by anyone.
I Read and re-read this blog dear Pallu , and it so beautifully expresses your feelings and probably totally echoes , with others having gone through similar loss .
ReplyDeleteBut one thing I can definitely say is that your Dad was an exemplary person, and can never be forgotten . Though I only knew him , a little during his last years , he is someone I cannot forget either .
. Inspiring others to do their best , practising high values , he was a towering personality , touching so many lives , in meaningful ways ,but always so humbly. You were blessed ,to not only have him in your life for so many years , ( it’s never enough )and having painstakingly served both your parents to the best of your ability , you earned his sincere praise .
That’s big !!
Such a bond that was between you , was God given . Cherish the memories forever ! Hugs ,N