FREEDOM.. is a hard choice sometimes!

By birth I am Indian and India is a free country.. American is often referred to as the land of the brave and the free.. and it often makes me wonder.. What IS freedom and what does it REALLY mean to be free? Freedom in India according to the Constitution means freedom of speech thought and action (within reasonable limits obviously).. and it is a gift that is constantly trying taken for granted.. overused.. abused and misinterpreted..

I liked to believe I was free too.. and I WAS.. until I got married! The in-laws were orthodox in their thoughts.. my (ex) husband was a raging alcoholic and physically abusive as well.. I was far away across the oceans and locked up in the house alone.. It was the most difficult and frightening situation I had ever experienced.. and since I had no idea or understanding of WHY it was happening.. I just took it!

In retrospect there is a realization that a number of events had taken place (falling down and fracturing my tailbone.. my in-laws at the last minute demanding that we display my trousseau) and all of them universally pointed to the fact that this was a bad idea and shouldn't happen.. but being an incurable optimist I kept thinking (hoping and praying) that things would work out and went ahead and got married! Humans are blessed with a strong gut instinct and when we ignore the gut is when we get into trouble.. bigtime!

To cut a long story short.. on the surface.. we had a fairy tale wedding.. everyone I loved was there.. the arrangements were impeccable.. the venues for various functions were beautifully decorated.. the food was outstanding.. and a good time was had by all! My husband went back to California promising to get the paperwork started at the earliest.. instead of which within a month.. the weekly phone calls (that I literally lived for) were full of “I don’t know you’re gonna adjust and settle here.. it’s a whole different ballgame etc..” and then all of a sudden “I love you so much.. can’t wait for you to get here” etc.. Bizarre right? Alarm bells going off? They should have for me as well.. BUT.. I was Papa’s princess.. innocent naïve and trusting.. and kept believing that once I got there and we were together.. everything would be alright!

I finally got to Los Angeles airport.. super excited with dreams in my heart and stars in my eyes.. only to find everyone being picked up by someone.. that is.. everyone except me! I waited and waited.. and he finally got to the airport and with a perfunctory hello and a brusque “Hurry up and get in the car.. I don’t wanna get a ticket” and REEKING of whiskey! I realized that I was possibly in trouble here!

We got to the apartment.. he called my parents and told them I had reached safely.. and then went back to the office! I was locked into the house (because he hadn’t had the time in 10 months to get a set of keys made for me).. In a matter of days, I realized he was an alcoholic and an abusive one at that! He didn’t eat at home but we went to a nearby bar every evening where he drank.. got drunk.. and then would bang my head against the wall.. slap me.. beat me up.. burn me with a lighted cigarette.. and then come and apologize profusely saying he loved me etc.. To say that it was scary would be an understatement and it finally came to a stage where he wasn’t willing to seek professional help.. his parents were in denial.. and I just couldn’t take it anymore! I was a prisoner in an apartment that didn’t feel like home.. had no friends to meet.. nobody totalk to.. nowhere to go.. and nothing to do except keep cleaning the house!

I slept with my passport money and jewellery in my pillow case under my head every night.. and the day I called him to say I was leaving, he said “I am like this and I am going to remain like this.. if you want to stay, stay.. and if you want to go, go.. Am very busy at work and have important stuff to do!” My aunt came to fetch me and he didn’t even call for 4 days! I consulted a lawyer and she suggested getting an annulment since we hadn’t been married for even a year!

Suffice it to say that it was an unpleasant day at the courtroom, primarily because he came to court drunk and was fined for contempt of court.. for mental physical and emotional abuse.. and on the 27^th of February 1995.. I was finally FREE again! Free to laugh.. to smile.. to meet friends.. go where I wanted.. do what I wanted.. and most of all.. freedom from FEAR! It was a   hard fought battle for me since I was not the person I am today.. was much quieter.. not as bold or brave.. very overprotected.. and terrified out of my wits! It must be confessed that once I got the Decree of Annulment in my hand, that was definitely a WOW moment!

It was the happiest day of my life and the beginning of my journey of self-growth, strength and resilience! It is a day that I celebrate every year because it has taught me to value freedom and acceptance above all else.. the freedom to choose the people I want in my life.. the freedom to take my own decisions.. and the freedom to live safely and away from toxic people! When I look back, there are no regrets and in a weird way.. there is gratitude for getting to learn these life lessons firsthand because in the words of Abraham Lincoln “only the test of fire makes fine steel”..

Counting my blessings is something that comes naturally to me.. and among them I always include a special mention of gratitude for the freedom to live life on my own terms.. and we should all do that! Biggest takeaways for me from this debacle have been not to give the control for my happiness to anyone else.. and believe that “If God brings you to it.. he also brings you through it” so no matter what.. just keep the faith strong and keep believing in yourself!

Cheers to freedom.. and to being ourselves!!

Stay brave happy blessed and safe!!