ON OUTGROWING PEOPLE.. it actually happens!

Have you ever come away from meeting with or finished a conversation with someone you always thought was a very close friend (or family member) feeling like “What’s going on? It felt like there was just no “connect” in the conversation.. or.. Why doesn’t he/she understand what I’m trying to say.. or.. It feels like I’m talking to someone I don’t know anymore..” This happens to all of us at various points in time and we need to introspect as to WHY this is so.. It has been happening to me of late and I finally came to an answer which actually SHOOK me..

One of life’s challenging realizations is that sometimes you outgrow your friends.. difficult to accept? Definitely.. but unless you accept it.. your own growth will not progress.. and you will not be able to alter and change certain patterns of thinking and behaviour that you need to.. if you want to get onto your spiritual path.. As I have mentioned earlier, getting onto one’s spiritual path and staying on it is essential if you want to grow as a person and get a realistic perspective on life.. and on yourself..

As we go through life we have a variety of experiences and meet and interact with different kinds of people.. some happy.. some not so happy.. some exciting and others boring.. some comfortable and others awkward.. How we feel about the experience and how we react/respond to the people is determines by our state of mind and heart at the time.. and our instinct as well.. As an example, let’s say we have school friends with whom we have played mischievous pranks.. mimicked our teachers and giggled at silly jokes which was great fun when we were young.. but seems downright stupid disrespectful and a waste of time 30 or 40 years later..

This happens because as we grow older and wiser in years.. we subconsciously and actively seek out like-minded people who have similar hobbies passions interests and value systems.. Those of us who are wise beyond our years realize and recognize the need to change and evolve in order to raise our levels of awareness and growth.. Some of us are lucky and blessed to find a mentor or teacher or “guru” who conveys this directly or indirectly.. and a few unfortunates don’t realize and go through the major part of their lives comfortably tucked into their deep comfortable ruts and have no interest whatsoever in changing or evolving.. and that is SAD..

Speaking for myself, I was a typical giddy-headed Papa’s princess.. always higher than most on emotions and reasonably so on IQ but not necessarily on EQ.. Impulsive outspoken emotional and possessive about my friends, life gave me some hard knocks before I realized that it was wiser to be spontaneous tactful and not be TOO attached to the people I cared about! Buckets of tears were cried.. cartons full of tissues were used.. sleepless nights were suffered.. too many Tylenols were swallowed before I started paying attention to people who seemed to “have it all together”.. and HOW they were so different from me!

Deep and meaningful conversations with friends like Porus and Parul who are clear thinkers were enlightening.. and there was an overwhelming wealth of wisdom in the right books that were suggested to me to read.. Knowing that I get clarity when I write things down, I actually sat down and analyzed the friends and people in my life in terms of what they bring to the friendship.. how they make me feel.. what they teach me.. how I feel when I meet them etc.. It was very difficult to acknowledge to myself that there are some friends and/or family members that I have outgrown.. but it HAD to be done!

It has been an exceedingly empowering exercise and has helped me to understand things like this:

I have outgrown people who are envious of me.. I have outgrown the consistently negative people.. the ones who complain all the time.. the ones who take me for granted.. and believe me, they exist! The list is long so am sharing a quote by Chanda Kaushik that says it better than I would ever be able to..

“I have outgrown many things. I have outgrown relatives who gladly offer criticism but not support. I have outgrown my need to meet my family's unrealistic expectations of me. I have outgrown girls who wear masks and secretly rejoice at my misfortunes. I have outgrown shrinking myself for boys who are intimidated by my intelligence and outspoken nature. I have outgrown friends who cannot celebrate my accomplishments. I have outgrown people who conveniently disappear whenever life gets a little dark. I have outgrown those who take pleasure in gossiping and spreading negativity. I have outgrown dull, meaningless conversations that feel forced. I have outgrown those who don't take a stand against ignorance and injustice. I have outgrown trying to please everyone. I have outgrown society constantly telling me I'm not beautiful, smart, or worthy enough. I have outgrown trying to fix every little flaw. I have outgrown my tendency to fill my mind with self-doubt and insecurity. I have outgrown trying to find reasons not to love myself. I have outgrown anything and anyone that does not enrich the essence of my soul. I have outgrown many things, and I've never felt freer.”

Will sign off here with a heartfelt request.. sit down.. think.. analyse.. acknowledge.. and accept.. Some people were a part of your story.. some people are a part of it.. and a few will always be a part of it.. because you choose it to be that way! Don’t feel guilty.. it’s natural and just the way life is meant to be.. We all have only one life to live.. so raise the bar and live a quality life with the people that enrich your soul!

MAKING THE "GG" ENVELOPE.. a brilliant idea!!

"When we give cheerfully and accept gracefully, everyone is blessed" are words of infinite wisdom by Maya Angelou..

Giving (as a verb) is defined as the act of presenting voluntarily and without expecting compensation..

Giving as an adjective is defined as being affectionate and generous with one's feelings  affection and/or possessions..

We live in a time of giving and particularly so in India where traditions rule and often dictate lifestyles and customs to be followed unquestioningly. One dimension of giving is the concept of "daan" in Hinduism which is an important part of our religious duty. However, that's not exactly the aspect I'm writing about today..

We live in a consumer world of plenty and are surrounded by objects of desire need and fantasy.. actually we are overwhelmed by the plethora of things that are available! Advertising branding and marketing professionals make oodles of money by assaulting our sight smell taste touch and hearing with all kinds of stimuli that are virtually impossible to resist! We look.. we see.. and we buy! Often we bring it home and try it on.. walk around in it.. or put it into cupboards and cabinets that are already overflowing with an excess of things already..

An incident of perhaps 25 years ago comes to mind.. someone I knew bought a couple of outfits from the designer Ritu Kumar. She brought them home.. cut off the tags.. and threw them in the dustbin and that was the end of that (or so she thought)! The next day her helper came to her with one of the tags and said "You have bought this one outfit for 3000 rupees? I slog for you all month and you pay me 3000 rupees.. Wow!" This was a reminder to me to always be watchful and careful.. simply because the divide between the haves and have nots in India is tremendous.. and we wouldn't want to hurt anyone's feelings deliberately!

Most of my friends know that I have this thing about always keeping crisp banknotes in my wallet and handbag.. and that there will typically always be bundles of 500s 200s 100s 50s 20s and 10s in my handbag at any given time (thanks to the kindness of my bank manager)! Whenever I used to have to pay for anything, the bundle would come out and I would just do the needful! My oldest friend Varsha told me one day "Listen, don't take out the whole bundle and pay.. people are watching and it isn't the safest thing either! You are not be doing it intending to show off but why do it at all? Just keep notes of all denominations in your wallet and spend from there! Words of wisdom indeed.. and the other brilliant advice she gave me was "When you're doing anything with money - counting.. putting away.. taking out.. PLEASE lock your bedroom door!" Thank you again Varsha..

We are constantly thinking and feeling "I have too many clothes.. too many shoes.. too much make up.. just TOO much stuff.. and it's driving me crazy!" And still when we go out.. we come back with more.. if this doesn't make us gluttons for punishment.. what else does? At some point we DO feel that we want.to give things away and keep less.. and then we start thinking "It's still in good condition so maybe I will wear it.. it's too good to give away.. it was such an expensive buy.. How can I give it away so soon etcetera.."

There was one day a few years ago when I was trying to decide on a birthday gift for a friend who has almost everything! It was tormenting to say the least.. the questions that ran through my mind.. Will she like it? Use it? Does she have it already? Does she need it? The questions and second guessing of self continued.. and drove me crazy!

And then the whole drama of gifting.. Some people give thoughtful gifts.. some give impractical gifts.. some people give gifts that make you wonder.. and some people recycle the most idiotic gifts.. If you get something you like that's all fine and dandy.. BUT.. If you don't.. Will you tell the person who gave it to you honestly? Will you lie and say you love it if you don't? Will you say you have it already or don't need it? You don't want to hurt the giver's feelings but don't want to be lumped with something you don't particularly care for!

And THAT was my Eureka moment! I decided to STOP all gifting because it was something that was make the recipient and me happy.. but was ending up generating stress (for me for sure)! The pressure of feeling that I HAD to give.. the making of lists.. the budgeting.. the hunting.. the packing.. the dropping off or delivering.. and all this for people who are abundantly blessed already with enough and more! WHY?? I stopped gifting on birthdays.. at Rakshabandhan.. and Diwali.. and it has been one of my best decisions ever! Now if at all I want to gift.. I gift the gift of time.. or a nice meal.. or an experience for very special occasions.. and that’s about it! As we all are, I have a couple of very close friends who REFUSE to accept my decision and as the are truly precious, I don’t argue but they are the exceptions that make the rule!

The credit for this blog goes to my friend Rupal who called me and said “Pallu, I have an idea for your blog but won’t be able to express it the way you will.. but this is the thought.. Let’s stop with the hostess gifts when we go to each other’s homes and instead put some money in an envelope.. collect it until it becomes a significant amount and then either give it to our staff or someone else who really needs it! God bless and thank you Rupal..

Needless to say I LOVED the idea so this is a request to all of you reading to adopt this idea and create a “GRATITUDE GIFTING” envelope and ask your friends and family to do the same! From now on when you’re going to a friend or relative’s house, just hand over a token amount of 100 200 or 500 rupees in your “GG” envelope (as I like to call it) instead of the mithai chocolate sweets flowers or farsan (which are the most frequently given hostess gifts) and be happy knowing that your small gesture of giving will, over a period of time, change improve or transform the life of someone who really needs it! As a bonus, you’re also NOT putting on weight from the empty calories that most of the above give you! The “GG” envelope is a much better option right?

So what are you waiting for? Let me know what you think of the idea and go make your “GG” envelope today!

*Deepest apologies for the fiasco with posting the blog this morning! Good to know that technology can make mistakes sometimes as well!

 

A BRILLIANT IDEA FOR US ALL.. so please adopt it!

"When we give cheerfully and accept gracefully, everyone is blessed" are words of infinite wisdom by Maya Angelou..

Giving (as a verb) is defined as the act of presenting voluntarily and without expecting compensation..

Giving as an adjective is defined as being affectionate and generous with one's feelings  affection and/or possessions..

We live in a time of giving and particularly so in India where traditions rule and often dictate lifestyles and customs to be followed unquestioningly. One dimension of giving is the concept of "daan" in Hinduism which is an important part of our religious duty. However, that's not exactly the aspect I'm writing about today..

We live in a consumer world of plenty and are surrounded by objects of desire need and fantasy.. actually we are overwhelmed by the plethora of things that are available! Advertising branding and marketing professionals make oodles of money by assaulting our sight smell taste touch and hearing with all kinds of stimuli that are virtually impossible to resist! We look.. we see.. and we buy! Often we bring it home and try it on.. walk around in it.. or put it into cupboards and cabinets that are already overflowing with an excess of things already..

An incident of perhaps 25 years ago comes to mind.. someone I knew bought a couple of outfits from the designer Ritu Kumar. She brought them home.. cut off the tags.. and threw them in the dustbin and that was the end of that (or so she thought)! The next day her helper came to her with one of the tags and said "You have bought this one outfit for 3000 rupees? I slog for you all month and you pay me 3000 rupees.. Wow!" This was a reminder to me to always be watchful and careful.. simply because the divide between the haves and have nots in India is tremendous.. and we wouldn't want to hurt anyone's feelings deliberately!

Most of my friends know that I have this thing about always keeping crisp banknotes in my wallet and handbag.. and that there will typically always be bundles of 500s 200s 100s 50s 20s and 10s in my handbag at any given time (thanks to the kindness of my bank manager)! Whenever I used to have to pay for anything, the bundle would come out and I would just do the needful! My oldest friend Varsha told me one day "Listen, don't take out the whole bundle and pay.. people are watching and it isn't the safest thing either! You are not be doing it intending to show off but why do it at all? Just keep notes of all denominations in your wallet and spend from there! Words of wisdom indeed.. and the other brilliant advice she gave me was "When you're doing anything with money - counting.. putting away.. taking out.. PLEASE lock your bedroom door!" Thank you again Varsha..

We are constantly thinking and feeling "I have too many clothes.. too many shoes.. too much make up.. just TOO much stuff.. and it's driving me crazy!" And still when we go out.. we come back with more.. if this doesn't make us gluttons for punishment.. what else does? At some point we DO feel that we want.to give things away and keep less.. and then we start thinking "It's still in good condition so maybe I will wear it.. it's too good to give away.. it was such an expensive buy.. How can I give it away so soon etcetera.."

There was one day a few years ago when I was trying to decide on a birthday gift for a friend who has almost everything! It was tormenting to say the least.. the questions that ran through my mind.. Will she like it? Use it? Does she have it already? Does she need it? The questions and second guessing of self continued.. and drove me crazy!

And then the whole drama of gifting.. Some people give thoughtful gifts.. some give impractical gifts.. some people give gifts that make you wonder.. and some people recycle the most idiotic gifts.. If you get something you like that's all fine and dandy.. BUT.. If you don't.. Will you tell the person who gave it to you honestly? Will you lie and say you love it if you don't? Will you say you have it already or don't need it? You don't want to hurt the giver's feelings but don't want to be lumped with something you don't particularly care for!

And THAT was my Eureka moment! I decided to STOP all gifting because it was something that was make the recipient and me happy.. but was ending up generating stress (for me for sure)! The pressure of feeling that I HAD to give.. the making of lists.. the budgeting.. the hunting.. the packing.. the dropping off or delivering.. and all this for people who are abundantly blessed already with enough and more! WHY?? I stopped gifting on birthdays.. at Rakshabandhan.. and Diwali.. and it has been one of my best decisions ever! Now if at all I want to gift.. I gift the gift of time.. or a nice meal.. or an experience for very special occasions.. and that’s about it! As we all are, I have a couple of very close friends who REFUSE to accept my decision and as the are truly precious, I don’t argue but they are the exceptions that make the rule!

The credit for this blog goes to my friend Rupal who called me and said “Pallu, I have an idea for your blog but won’t be able to express it the way you will.. but this is the thought.. Let’s stop with the hostess gifts when we go to each other’s homes and instead put some money in an envelope.. collect it until it becomes a significant amount and then either give it to our staff or someone else who really needs it! God bless and thank you Rupal..

Needless to say I LOVED the idea so this is a request to all of you reading to adopt this idea and create a “GRATITUDE GIFTING” envelope and ask your friends and family to do the same! From now on when you’re going to a friend or relative’s house, just hand over a token amount of 100 200 or 500 rupees in your “GG” envelope (as I like to call it) instead of the mithai chocolate sweets flowers or farsan (which are the most frequently given hostess gifts) and be happy knowing that your small gesture of giving will, over a period of time, change improve or transform the life of someone who really needs it! As a bonus, you’re also NOT putting on weight from the empty calories that most of the above give you! The “GG” envelope is a much better option right?

So what are you waiting for? Let me know what you think of the idea and go make your “GG” envelope today!

*Deepest apologies for the fiasco with posting the blog this morning! Good to know that technology can make mistakes sometimes as well!

 

 

 

 

HAPPY WOMEN'S DAY.. to all of us!!

Yesterday was International Women's Day.. nice that they call it international.. makes it truly inclusive and includes women all over the world! I am fortunate to have met and gotten to know women in different parts of the world.. some casually and some otherwise.. All of these women are different and similar in certain ways.. they may be rich or poor.. educated or illiterate.. working or homemakers.. beautiful stunning or average looking.. brilliant or clever.. street smart or savvy.. BUT.. what stands out like a shining beacon about ALL these women is their strength resilience confidence integrity generosity patience and above all.. compassion..

Today's blog is a celebration of and tribute to all the very special unique and wonderful women in my life that I can't imagine my world without..

Let's start with the woman I owe my very existence to.. my mother Vasant Dalal.. or Vasu as we used to affectionately address her! She was one helluva woman.. way ahead of her time and absolutely her own person.. Although she wasn't a graduate with a degree from any college.. I say confidently and proudly that she lived life on her own terms and told it like it was.. often a tad outspoken and called a spade a shovel! She taught me to believe in myself.. and I remember asking her once before going to a party "Mom.. do you think this top is a little transparent?" To which her reply was "If YOU aren't comfortable wearing it then don't.. but don't think about what anyone ELSE is going to think or say!" She drove my friends and me home from Shanmukhananda Hall one night in torrential rain without headlights horn and wipers.. talk about a rockstar!! Thank you Mummy for the deep reserves of courage..

And then let's talk about my Head of Department from teacher's training college.. Jana Mahadevan who was (and continues to be) truly passionate about children.. the environment in which they should learn.. HOW to create it and make it a JOYFUL experience.. Thank you Jana for awakening a similar passion in me.. and for pushing lazy me above and beyond my limit to excel and truly be the best teacher I can be.. 

My friend Roshan and I met a really long time ago at a seminar on Professionalism in Education where she attended and appreciated two of my workshops! We're almost a generation apart but there's a "karmic connection" and almost all major events in our lives happen at around the same time for us both! Roshan, thank you so much for showing me how important it is to be thorough and get to the crux of a matter..

A heartfelt "thank you" to my friend Dinaz Stafford who's always encouraged me to spread my wings and fly! She's incredibly committed to everything and everyone in her life! Will be eternally indebted to you for seeing my potential and abilities and entrusting your precious Salaam Baalak Trust children and "Didis" to me! Thank you Dinaz for showing me how to "jump in at the deep end" and still swim!

Another inspiration would have to be my bestie Anu Thyagarajan who tells the BEST stories in the world! She's the best teacher I have ever known and possibly of the the nicest human beings I know.. super high on both IQ and EQ.. in Singapore for the last 26 years but an integral part of my daily life.. Thank you Anu for always believing in me (more than I believe in myself) and teaching me how to think before I speak..

Have to mention my oldest friend Varsha Shinde who I've known and loved for over 52 years now.. another woman of substance who married before the age of 18 into a big joint family and has evolved into the quintessential "centre of the family" who manages a husband family and agriculture with great aplomb! Thank you Varsha for teaching me how to celebrate every little joy in life!

In 1979 it was "Prefect's Day" in Queen Mary School when the girls in standard 9 and 10 used to go to the junior classes and handle them for the whole day.. thanks to that I met Shriti Kapadia who's consistently been the most sensible and practical person I have ever met.. with a heart of pure gold! Thank you Shriti for always giving great advice.. being my voice of reason and leading by example!

I was incredibly lucky in college to meet and befriend Smita Mankani Parul Jhaveri Lavina Roy and Kavita Khanna! Smita is someone I love like a sister or even more.. her house is my house and we don't keep any secrets from each other.. She's just been through a major health issue and dealt with it beautifully.. Thank you Smita for teaching me that in gentleness and pure goodness of heart lie the greatest strength! 

Parul is another person I can not begin to imagine my world without.. she is calm collected organized and NEVER hurries.. also one of the biggest supporters to me on my spiritual journey and someone who I can talk to about ANYTHING with no fear of being judged at all.. Thank you Parul for teaching me how to hold up a mirror to myself analyze what I see and work on changing it.. I love you!

Lavina is someone I have HUGE respect for.. with constant stress and an incredibly busy life.. she still manages to "be there" as the proverbial "rock" for her friends and family and runs two houses brilliantly! Her children are my children too and we share a wonderful friendship! Thank you Lavina for showing me how "friends become family" and for being family to me!

Kavita is the real life representation of Superwoman.. work family home friends faith and everything else.. she manages to rock it all and "be there" for everyone and everything! She and I can spend hours talking and laughing about anything and everything and time just flies! Thank you Kavita for showing me constantly that it doesn't pay to take life too seriously..

Last but by no means the least are Ami Thakker and Alefia Zoomkawala who have been my "partners in crime" while teaching street children or participating in my wild fancies or getting involved in worthy causes! Both of these women are gentle softspoken and amazing wives mothers mothers-in-law and still rocking in their own right! Thank you for the trust and for always participating so completely in everything we do..

I could go on and on because the list of women who have inspired me taught me learned with me and just BEEN with me through the good bad and ugly is dauntingly long.. suffice it to say I am abundantly blessed.. supremely grateful for all the wonderful gifts you bring to my life.. and am committed to all of you in equal measure! Thank you for being the (some or all) wild wacky weird and wonderful women you are and for everything you bring to the table! The world celebrates us on the 8th of March but I say to our great sisterhood.. let's just promise ourselves to celebrate each other.. support each other.. straighten each other's crowns.. feel free to reach out to each other and just keep rocking it every single day! 

As the R K Laxman joke goes.. She asked him "Why did you create only the common man and not the common woman?" He smiled and said "because a woman can NEVER be common!"

Remember that you are unique.. one of a kind.. and have some truly exceptional qualities that make you very special.. so stand tall.. keep smiling.. stay positive and keep believing in yourself.. for it is genuinely YOU who makes our world a wonderful place to live in! God  bless and much love always!!

and of course.. Happy Women's Day!!

FREEDOM.. is a hard choice sometimes!

By birth I am Indian and India is a free country.. American is often referred to as the land of the brave and the free.. and it often makes me wonder.. What IS freedom and what does it REALLY mean to be free? Freedom in India according to the Constitution means freedom of speech thought and action (within reasonable limits obviously).. and it is a gift that is constantly trying taken for granted.. overused.. abused and misinterpreted..

I liked to believe I was free too.. and I WAS.. until I got married! The in-laws were orthodox in their thoughts.. my (ex) husband was a raging alcoholic and physically abusive as well.. I was far away across the oceans and locked up in the house alone.. It was the most difficult and frightening situation I had ever experienced.. and since I had no idea or understanding of WHY it was happening.. I just took it!

In retrospect there is a realization that a number of events had taken place (falling down and fracturing my tailbone.. my in-laws at the last minute demanding that we display my trousseau) and all of them universally pointed to the fact that this was a bad idea and shouldn't happen.. but being an incurable optimist I kept thinking (hoping and praying) that things would work out and went ahead and got married! Humans are blessed with a strong gut instinct and when we ignore the gut is when we get into trouble.. bigtime!

To cut a long story short.. on the surface.. we had a fairy tale wedding.. everyone I loved was there.. the arrangements were impeccable.. the venues for various functions were beautifully decorated.. the food was outstanding.. and a good time was had by all! My husband went back to California promising to get the paperwork started at the earliest.. instead of which within a month.. the weekly phone calls (that I literally lived for) were full of “I don’t know you’re gonna adjust and settle here.. it’s a whole different ballgame etc..” and then all of a sudden “I love you so much.. can’t wait for you to get here” etc.. Bizarre right? Alarm bells going off? They should have for me as well.. BUT.. I was Papa’s princess.. innocent naïve and trusting.. and kept believing that once I got there and we were together.. everything would be alright!

I finally got to Los Angeles airport.. super excited with dreams in my heart and stars in my eyes.. only to find everyone being picked up by someone.. that is.. everyone except me! I waited and waited.. and he finally got to the airport and with a perfunctory hello and a brusque “Hurry up and get in the car.. I don’t wanna get a ticket” and REEKING of whiskey! I realized that I was possibly in trouble here!

We got to the apartment.. he called my parents and told them I had reached safely.. and then went back to the office! I was locked into the house (because he hadn’t had the time in 10 months to get a set of keys made for me).. In a matter of days, I realized he was an alcoholic and an abusive one at that! He didn’t eat at home but we went to a nearby bar every evening where he drank.. got drunk.. and then would bang my head against the wall.. slap me.. beat me up.. burn me with a lighted cigarette.. and then come and apologize profusely saying he loved me etc.. To say that it was scary would be an understatement and it finally came to a stage where he wasn’t willing to seek professional help.. his parents were in denial.. and I just couldn’t take it anymore! I was a prisoner in an apartment that didn’t feel like home.. had no friends to meet.. nobody totalk to.. nowhere to go.. and nothing to do except keep cleaning the house!

I slept with my passport money and jewellery in my pillow case under my head every night.. and the day I called him to say I was leaving, he said “I am like this and I am going to remain like this.. if you want to stay, stay.. and if you want to go, go.. Am very busy at work and have important stuff to do!” My aunt came to fetch me and he didn’t even call for 4 days! I consulted a lawyer and she suggested getting an annulment since we hadn’t been married for even a year!

Suffice it to say that it was an unpleasant day at the courtroom, primarily because he came to court drunk and was fined for contempt of court.. for mental physical and emotional abuse.. and on the 27^th of February 1995.. I was finally FREE again! Free to laugh.. to smile.. to meet friends.. go where I wanted.. do what I wanted.. and most of all.. freedom from FEAR! It was a   hard fought battle for me since I was not the person I am today.. was much quieter.. not as bold or brave.. very overprotected.. and terrified out of my wits! It must be confessed that once I got the Decree of Annulment in my hand, that was definitely a WOW moment!

It was the happiest day of my life and the beginning of my journey of self-growth, strength and resilience! It is a day that I celebrate every year because it has taught me to value freedom and acceptance above all else.. the freedom to choose the people I want in my life.. the freedom to take my own decisions.. and the freedom to live safely and away from toxic people! When I look back, there are no regrets and in a weird way.. there is gratitude for getting to learn these life lessons firsthand because in the words of Abraham Lincoln “only the test of fire makes fine steel”..

Counting my blessings is something that comes naturally to me.. and among them I always include a special mention of gratitude for the freedom to live life on my own terms.. and we should all do that! Biggest takeaways for me from this debacle have been not to give the control for my happiness to anyone else.. and believe that “If God brings you to it.. he also brings you through it” so no matter what.. just keep the faith strong and keep believing in yourself!

Cheers to freedom.. and to being ourselves!!

Stay brave happy blessed and safe!!

 

 

MAKE IT A HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.. you can and must!!

 The 14th of February.. at any age and any stage.. this date awakens feelings and smiles in us that have been (sometimes) dormant for a very long time! Second only to my birthday, this is absolutely my favourite day in the year.. reason being that it's an opportunity to spread love and sunshine! If we are open to it, this day helps us to evolve into a better human being and also to appreciate the efforts and existence of those who are always "there" for us - to support love care for and understand us.. no matter what!

The person we reach out to doesn't need to be our girlfriend/boyfriend/significant other or even spouse.. it can be anyone from our family or friends.. because it is a day to celebrate love respect and affection.. At a spiritual level, this day gives multiple opportunities to inculcate empathy, charity and kindness towards others.. we just need to be aware and do the needful without wasting the opportunity!

Growing up in the USA as a little girl has been a blessing in more ways than one - firstly, I learned to THINK in English without the difficulty that most children from a bilingual or multilingual house face.. thinking in another language and then mentally translating AND looking for the specific words in English and then SAYING it! Secondly (and more importantly I think) it was a joy growing up in a small village where feelings of love affection and friendship were expressed very openly and without any "politically correct" filters!  

My Dad was never a really expressive person verbally.. but he evolved into the "perfect" Dad for me because he did what all the other kids expected from their Daddies.. However awkward he may have felt about it, he submitted to near-strangling hugs at school pick-up and drop-off time.. at good morning and good night times.. AND even learned to hug me back! He came to every school meeting and concert and applauded my efforts enthusiastically (even if my role was the modest one of a bumblebee in a garden)! My Mom.. she was even less expressive and thought saying "I love you" was silly and completely unnecessary.. thankfully she used to say "I love you" to my Dad so that was good!

Indian fathers (brothers, husbands and men generally) in the early 70's (and a number of them even now) found it very difficult to say those three little words "I love you" and my Dad was guilty of this too.. I, of course didn't give him a choice and it was literally "baptism by fire" and would DEMAND that he said "I love you too" whenever I said "I love you" to him.. so the poor man indulged his princess and actually started saying it on his own as time went by! Not that I feel guilty in the least for making him learn to say "I love you".. it's SO important!

In a world full of highly learned cultured and erudite people with excellent vocabularies, it amazes me (not in a good way) that so many people are so "backward about coming forward" when it comes to saying "I love you"! They either don't say it.. or else they make do with an offhand (and totally inadequate) "Love you" which is NOT what they WANT to say! Saying "love you" in my opinion.. is like saying you love pizza parasailing chocolate etc.! We love the people we love because they have certain qualities that complement ours.. complete us.. and keep us secure and happy! Isn't that alone good reason to express our feelings?

Psychologists counsellors and mental health experts are constantly surrounded by people who are unhappy maladjusted and seeking "closure".. who are then taught and trained to "verbalize" their thoughts and feelings which will ultimately help them be at peace.. Obviously there are accompanying factors that make the situation even more challenging, but I am a big advocate of expressing my feelings in words.. some people say they can't.. but that's usually nothing more than a lack of effort! The visitor's book at my home in Lonavala bears mute testimony to this.. some pages have a line or two while others are completely filled! 

Considering the levels of stress that most people live with on a day to day basis.. my suggestion is.. just as yoga is good for your mind and body.. simply learning to say "I love you" and celebrating the people you love (with or without chocolate flowers or presents) will transform every day into Valentine's Day! Hearing those words generates the "happy hormones" endorphins serotonin dopamine and oxytocin and creates a magical feeling of euphoria.. so.. What are you waiting for? Tell the people who enrich beautify enhance and make your life better that you LOVE them.. today!!

Lastly, in the words of Paulo Coelho.. 

"When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too."

Hearing those three little words words generates the "happy hormones" endorphins serotonin dopamine and oxytocin and creates a magical feeling of euphoria.. SO.. What are you waiting for? Tell the people who enrich beautify enhance and make your life better happier and more comfortable that you LOVE them.. today!!

IT'S BEEN 5 YEARS ALREADY.. can't believe it!!

 My email id is princesspallu@gmail.com and this has evoked all kinds of reactions from disbelief to amusement.. incredulity to amazement.. derision to delight.. not that what anyone thinks of it makes the slightest difference to me! Everyone knows that I have been.. am.. and always will be Papa's princess.. BUT.. they don't know the truth of the matter.. and THAT is..       I am a princess not because I have a prince, but because my father is a king! 

The internet defines a king as "If you describe a man as the king of something, you mean that he is the most important person doing that thing or he is the best at doing it." Bingo! My father was the king of parenting and the best Daddy in the world.. spoken like the true blue doting and devoted daughter right? It happens to be the truth.. the whole truth.. and nothing but the truth so help me God!

My childhood was special and unique as in.. I have way more memories of doing things with my Dad.. and he was just always "there"! When I was a little girl, all too often (usually on a weekend) I'd wake up in my pajamas tucked into my "rajai" on the back seat of the car and ask, "Where are we going?" Dad would reply with a one word answer "Mahabaleshwar.. Poona.. Surat.. Khandala" or some such.. It would be an adventure and sometimes a 5 star one.. and sometimes a 2 star one.. but always great fun! He pampered me with meals at the Taj.. and also made me stay in "dharamshalas" with smelly mattresses.. all because he firmly believed that we (my brother and I) should grow up to be "rough and tough"!

I was thoroughly pampered as a little girl.. he had a special nickname for me (which I am certainly NOT sharing here).. used to make up songs especially for me and call home telling my Mom to bring me to the phone (even as a baby) and sing them! He taught me a lot of Gujarati folk songs on our road trips (of which there were many) and a few Bengali ones as well.. and never once made me self-conscious about not being able to sing well.. or not having a sense of rhythm.. sadly I am totally unmusical.. but I love to listen!

Sometimes it was almost like he had a split personality.. that of a strict disciplinarian as well as an indulgent and loving father! Every Saturday morning was writing table, cupboard and room inspection.. and if anything was untidy or out of place - NO pocket money! He told me once in no uncertain terms, "If I know how to make you sit on my head.. rest assured I know how to get you off twice as quickly!" and he wasn't kidding! He was firm but fair.. also my champion who forbade my Mom from opening and reading my letters saying that children's privacy MUST be respected.. not that it made much of a difference to her! He UNDERSTOOD that we had crushes and needed to put up posters of them so made a huge bulletin board in our room.. and explained to my Mom that it was normal and an important part of growing up!

As I grew up, we became very good friends and had a lot of very interesting conversations! He didn't necessarily approve of my choices of places of employment but didn't try to change my mind.. allowed me the opportunities to learn from my own mistakes (for which I am very grateful) and was my #1 friend philosopher guide protector and defender! Am told that I take after him and am strong headed at times.. and we definitely had our differences of opinion.. sometimes he conceded.. sometimes I did.. and occasionally we were at a stalemate! No matter what and come what may.. it was mostly a democracy at home!

My thirteenth birthday present was - don't hold your breath - not one but TWO cardboard cartons stuffed to bursting with abridged versions of the classics.. William Shakespeare.. Charles Dickens and all those great people! I got a remark for untidy handwriting in school and promptly he made sure I did two pages of copywriting from one of them.. which he would check and ask me questions about later! Our amusement at a restaurant was being given paper, pencil and the menu.. we had to correct spelling mistakes in the menu and ask the meanings of words we didn't understand.. both my brother Sunil and me!

He was, without a doubt, the most stubborn human being on the planet but I loved him to bits! Most of my friends remember him as someone who would come and say hello.. chat for 2 minutes and then go back to his own room! Not that he talked much (except about the good old days) but he connected with a number of people.. which has always surprised me! He taught me how to be neat organized and methodical.. and I am eternally in his debt! Despite being a workaholic, he always gave us enough time and was a willing repairer of household gadgets.. singer of songs.. dispenser of advice.. and so much more! He taught me to believe in myself.. fight for my rights.. not give in when I'm in the right.. never to accept injustice.. and always encouraged me to just "BE the best version of MYSELF that I could be!"

Daddy went through multiple hospitalizations and a great deal of ill heath.. all with a good grace and tremendous patience! He's been the strongest influence in my life.. was my hero.. my champion.. my idol.. my inspiration.. and as time goes by.. am just trying to do what he would have done.. and make him proud! 

It's now 5 years since he left this world.. and there isn't a day that I don't miss him.. get misty-eyed and wish he was here! I really miss his quiet sense of humour.. his wisdom.. his problem solving skills.. and gentle hugs and kisses (as opposed to my slightly ferocious ones) and STILL have days when I don't know how to go on without him! It's been 5 years and yet it feels like yesterday that you left me.. but I know in my heart that you're still "right here" with me.. watching over me and protecting me.. like you always have! February 3rd is always a heartbreakingly difficult day for me.. simply because I miss you so much!

In the immortal words of Sigmund Freud, "I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father's protection." Love you hamesha papa and miss you even more.. and thank you for everything you have done for me.. am SO proud to be your daughter!! It's impossible to think that 5 years have gone by so quickly.. but be at peace Papa.. until we meet again..