NINE YEARS SINCE YOU’RE GONE DADDY.. I miss you so much!

Today is the 3^rd of February.. and marks nine years since you’re gone Daddy.. gone from the physical world I live in.. but always and very much present and “right here” in my heart! It is often said and commonly believed that the pain of losing someone you love deeply settles with the passage of time.. and nine years is not an insignificant amount of time by any standards..

Why then do I still miss you SO MUCH with each passing day? Why is the pain so raw that tears come to my eyes as soon as I think of you or whenever someone takes your name? Why have you left a gaping hole in my heart so huge that no amount of tears grieving or prayers can fill it? Why isn’t there a magical way of ending the pain of loss and getting complete closure? Why hasn’t medical science been able to make a pill that can cure heartache and heartbreak yet?

As Jainism rightly says.. attachment is not a bad thing.. but it leads to a great deal of pain.. The religion says we should practice “attachment with detachment” but I am asking HOW? How do you not get attached to the one person in the world who has tossed you high up in the air and caught you every time as you were falling.. who pushed you into the deep end of the pool and jumped in immediately to grab and hug you as you floated to the surface gasping for breath.. who taught you to eat perfectly with a knife and fork when you were a really little girl of perhaps 4 or 5 years old?

How do you get over missing someone who started every morning and ended every night with hugs and kisses.. who taught you the difference between right and wrong and to uphold the courage of your conviction no matter what.. who lived by the principle of “don’t do as I say but do as I do”.. who was absolutely meticulous in everything he said and did and who cracked the funniest jokes with the straightest face.. How? It just isn’t humanly possible!

It is always the most difficult day in the year for me because literally minute to minute there is an “action replay” that happens in my head and heart that goes on vividly.. I remember everything that happened that day in heartbreaking detail.. but today I don’t want to dwell on my sorrow..

Gratitude.. kindness.. compassion and karuna are the four solid cornerstones of my life now and it is time to be grateful for and to appreciate all the wonderful people who were around me this day that year.. and thereafter as well.. I am overwhelmed to the doctors nurses and team at Breach Candy Hospital who were so caring kind and respectful in their care for Daddy.. to my helper Kishore who spent that last night at the hospital with Daddy and broke the news gently to me.. to all my friends and family who rallied round to hug me.. hold me.. offer their shoulders for support.. make arrangements for everything that needed to be done in the aftermath of death..

Looking and thinking back.. it was truly overwhelming to have a “patchwork quilt” of wonderfully kind and sensitive people that “came together” to be my safe space during that traumatic time.. and to have so many even today.. people who remember that today is a tough day for me.. who message and call.. who come over just to spend some quiet time with me.. I am not writing names here but you know who you are.. and you are deeply loved appreciated and cherished for having the kindest hearts in the Universe.. Thank you so much for being in my life and making it so much better with your care concern and consideration!

And wherever you are Daddy.. know always that you are loved cherished treasured and missed all the time and every single day.. but I am your daughter and will face the day as you would want me to.. with the bravest smile on my face.. the strongest will to “hold steady” and not break down and the deepest love in my heart..

Thank you so much (as always) for reading and please remember to add your name at the beginning or end of your comment (should you choose to write one)!