FREEDOM.. is a hard choice sometimes!

By birth I am Indian and India is a free country.. American is often referred to as the land of the brave and the free.. and it often makes me wonder.. What IS freedom and what does it REALLY mean to be free? Freedom in India according to the Constitution means freedom of speech thought and action (within reasonable limits obviously).. and it is a gift that is constantly trying taken for granted.. overused.. abused and misinterpreted..

I liked to believe I was free too.. and I WAS.. until I got married! The in-laws were orthodox in their thoughts.. my (ex) husband was a raging alcoholic and physically abusive as well.. I was far away across the oceans and locked up in the house alone.. It was the most difficult and frightening situation I had ever experienced.. and since I had no idea or understanding of WHY it was happening.. I just took it!

In retrospect there is a realization that a number of events had taken place (falling down and fracturing my tailbone.. my in-laws at the last minute demanding that we display my trousseau) and all of them universally pointed to the fact that this was a bad idea and shouldn't happen.. but being an incurable optimist I kept thinking (hoping and praying) that things would work out and went ahead and got married! Humans are blessed with a strong gut instinct and when we ignore the gut is when we get into trouble.. bigtime!

To cut a long story short.. on the surface.. we had a fairy tale wedding.. everyone I loved was there.. the arrangements were impeccable.. the venues for various functions were beautifully decorated.. the food was outstanding.. and a good time was had by all! My husband went back to California promising to get the paperwork started at the earliest.. instead of which within a month.. the weekly phone calls (that I literally lived for) were full of “I don’t know you’re gonna adjust and settle here.. it’s a whole different ballgame etc..” and then all of a sudden “I love you so much.. can’t wait for you to get here” etc.. Bizarre right? Alarm bells going off? They should have for me as well.. BUT.. I was Papa’s princess.. innocent naïve and trusting.. and kept believing that once I got there and we were together.. everything would be alright!

I finally got to Los Angeles airport.. super excited with dreams in my heart and stars in my eyes.. only to find everyone being picked up by someone.. that is.. everyone except me! I waited and waited.. and he finally got to the airport and with a perfunctory hello and a brusque “Hurry up and get in the car.. I don’t wanna get a ticket” and REEKING of whiskey! I realized that I was possibly in trouble here!

We got to the apartment.. he called my parents and told them I had reached safely.. and then went back to the office! I was locked into the house (because he hadn’t had the time in 10 months to get a set of keys made for me).. In a matter of days, I realized he was an alcoholic and an abusive one at that! He didn’t eat at home but we went to a nearby bar every evening where he drank.. got drunk.. and then would bang my head against the wall.. slap me.. beat me up.. burn me with a lighted cigarette.. and then come and apologize profusely saying he loved me etc.. To say that it was scary would be an understatement and it finally came to a stage where he wasn’t willing to seek professional help.. his parents were in denial.. and I just couldn’t take it anymore! I was a prisoner in an apartment that didn’t feel like home.. had no friends to meet.. nobody totalk to.. nowhere to go.. and nothing to do except keep cleaning the house!

I slept with my passport money and jewellery in my pillow case under my head every night.. and the day I called him to say I was leaving, he said “I am like this and I am going to remain like this.. if you want to stay, stay.. and if you want to go, go.. Am very busy at work and have important stuff to do!” My aunt came to fetch me and he didn’t even call for 4 days! I consulted a lawyer and she suggested getting an annulment since we hadn’t been married for even a year!

Suffice it to say that it was an unpleasant day at the courtroom, primarily because he came to court drunk and was fined for contempt of court.. for mental physical and emotional abuse.. and on the 27^th of February 1995.. I was finally FREE again! Free to laugh.. to smile.. to meet friends.. go where I wanted.. do what I wanted.. and most of all.. freedom from FEAR! It was a   hard fought battle for me since I was not the person I am today.. was much quieter.. not as bold or brave.. very overprotected.. and terrified out of my wits! It must be confessed that once I got the Decree of Annulment in my hand, that was definitely a WOW moment!

It was the happiest day of my life and the beginning of my journey of self-growth, strength and resilience! It is a day that I celebrate every year because it has taught me to value freedom and acceptance above all else.. the freedom to choose the people I want in my life.. the freedom to take my own decisions.. and the freedom to live safely and away from toxic people! When I look back, there are no regrets and in a weird way.. there is gratitude for getting to learn these life lessons firsthand because in the words of Abraham Lincoln “only the test of fire makes fine steel”..

Counting my blessings is something that comes naturally to me.. and among them I always include a special mention of gratitude for the freedom to live life on my own terms.. and we should all do that! Biggest takeaways for me from this debacle have been not to give the control for my happiness to anyone else.. and believe that “If God brings you to it.. he also brings you through it” so no matter what.. just keep the faith strong and keep believing in yourself!

Cheers to freedom.. and to being ourselves!!

Stay brave happy blessed and safe!!

 

 

MAKE IT A HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.. you can and must!!

 The 14th of February.. at any age and any stage.. this date awakens feelings and smiles in us that have been (sometimes) dormant for a very long time! Second only to my birthday, this is absolutely my favourite day in the year.. reason being that it's an opportunity to spread love and sunshine! If we are open to it, this day helps us to evolve into a better human being and also to appreciate the efforts and existence of those who are always "there" for us - to support love care for and understand us.. no matter what!

The person we reach out to doesn't need to be our girlfriend/boyfriend/significant other or even spouse.. it can be anyone from our family or friends.. because it is a day to celebrate love respect and affection.. At a spiritual level, this day gives multiple opportunities to inculcate empathy, charity and kindness towards others.. we just need to be aware and do the needful without wasting the opportunity!

Growing up in the USA as a little girl has been a blessing in more ways than one - firstly, I learned to THINK in English without the difficulty that most children from a bilingual or multilingual house face.. thinking in another language and then mentally translating AND looking for the specific words in English and then SAYING it! Secondly (and more importantly I think) it was a joy growing up in a small village where feelings of love affection and friendship were expressed very openly and without any "politically correct" filters!  

My Dad was never a really expressive person verbally.. but he evolved into the "perfect" Dad for me because he did what all the other kids expected from their Daddies.. However awkward he may have felt about it, he submitted to near-strangling hugs at school pick-up and drop-off time.. at good morning and good night times.. AND even learned to hug me back! He came to every school meeting and concert and applauded my efforts enthusiastically (even if my role was the modest one of a bumblebee in a garden)! My Mom.. she was even less expressive and thought saying "I love you" was silly and completely unnecessary.. thankfully she used to say "I love you" to my Dad so that was good!

Indian fathers (brothers, husbands and men generally) in the early 70's (and a number of them even now) found it very difficult to say those three little words "I love you" and my Dad was guilty of this too.. I, of course didn't give him a choice and it was literally "baptism by fire" and would DEMAND that he said "I love you too" whenever I said "I love you" to him.. so the poor man indulged his princess and actually started saying it on his own as time went by! Not that I feel guilty in the least for making him learn to say "I love you".. it's SO important!

In a world full of highly learned cultured and erudite people with excellent vocabularies, it amazes me (not in a good way) that so many people are so "backward about coming forward" when it comes to saying "I love you"! They either don't say it.. or else they make do with an offhand (and totally inadequate) "Love you" which is NOT what they WANT to say! Saying "love you" in my opinion.. is like saying you love pizza parasailing chocolate etc.! We love the people we love because they have certain qualities that complement ours.. complete us.. and keep us secure and happy! Isn't that alone good reason to express our feelings?

Psychologists counsellors and mental health experts are constantly surrounded by people who are unhappy maladjusted and seeking "closure".. who are then taught and trained to "verbalize" their thoughts and feelings which will ultimately help them be at peace.. Obviously there are accompanying factors that make the situation even more challenging, but I am a big advocate of expressing my feelings in words.. some people say they can't.. but that's usually nothing more than a lack of effort! The visitor's book at my home in Lonavala bears mute testimony to this.. some pages have a line or two while others are completely filled! 

Considering the levels of stress that most people live with on a day to day basis.. my suggestion is.. just as yoga is good for your mind and body.. simply learning to say "I love you" and celebrating the people you love (with or without chocolate flowers or presents) will transform every day into Valentine's Day! Hearing those words generates the "happy hormones" endorphins serotonin dopamine and oxytocin and creates a magical feeling of euphoria.. so.. What are you waiting for? Tell the people who enrich beautify enhance and make your life better that you LOVE them.. today!!

Lastly, in the words of Paulo Coelho.. 

"When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too."

Hearing those three little words words generates the "happy hormones" endorphins serotonin dopamine and oxytocin and creates a magical feeling of euphoria.. SO.. What are you waiting for? Tell the people who enrich beautify enhance and make your life better happier and more comfortable that you LOVE them.. today!!

IT'S BEEN 5 YEARS ALREADY.. can't believe it!!

 My email id is princesspallu@gmail.com and this has evoked all kinds of reactions from disbelief to amusement.. incredulity to amazement.. derision to delight.. not that what anyone thinks of it makes the slightest difference to me! Everyone knows that I have been.. am.. and always will be Papa's princess.. BUT.. they don't know the truth of the matter.. and THAT is..       I am a princess not because I have a prince, but because my father is a king! 

The internet defines a king as "If you describe a man as the king of something, you mean that he is the most important person doing that thing or he is the best at doing it." Bingo! My father was the king of parenting and the best Daddy in the world.. spoken like the true blue doting and devoted daughter right? It happens to be the truth.. the whole truth.. and nothing but the truth so help me God!

My childhood was special and unique as in.. I have way more memories of doing things with my Dad.. and he was just always "there"! When I was a little girl, all too often (usually on a weekend) I'd wake up in my pajamas tucked into my "rajai" on the back seat of the car and ask, "Where are we going?" Dad would reply with a one word answer "Mahabaleshwar.. Poona.. Surat.. Khandala" or some such.. It would be an adventure and sometimes a 5 star one.. and sometimes a 2 star one.. but always great fun! He pampered me with meals at the Taj.. and also made me stay in "dharamshalas" with smelly mattresses.. all because he firmly believed that we (my brother and I) should grow up to be "rough and tough"!

I was thoroughly pampered as a little girl.. he had a special nickname for me (which I am certainly NOT sharing here).. used to make up songs especially for me and call home telling my Mom to bring me to the phone (even as a baby) and sing them! He taught me a lot of Gujarati folk songs on our road trips (of which there were many) and a few Bengali ones as well.. and never once made me self-conscious about not being able to sing well.. or not having a sense of rhythm.. sadly I am totally unmusical.. but I love to listen!

Sometimes it was almost like he had a split personality.. that of a strict disciplinarian as well as an indulgent and loving father! Every Saturday morning was writing table, cupboard and room inspection.. and if anything was untidy or out of place - NO pocket money! He told me once in no uncertain terms, "If I know how to make you sit on my head.. rest assured I know how to get you off twice as quickly!" and he wasn't kidding! He was firm but fair.. also my champion who forbade my Mom from opening and reading my letters saying that children's privacy MUST be respected.. not that it made much of a difference to her! He UNDERSTOOD that we had crushes and needed to put up posters of them so made a huge bulletin board in our room.. and explained to my Mom that it was normal and an important part of growing up!

As I grew up, we became very good friends and had a lot of very interesting conversations! He didn't necessarily approve of my choices of places of employment but didn't try to change my mind.. allowed me the opportunities to learn from my own mistakes (for which I am very grateful) and was my #1 friend philosopher guide protector and defender! Am told that I take after him and am strong headed at times.. and we definitely had our differences of opinion.. sometimes he conceded.. sometimes I did.. and occasionally we were at a stalemate! No matter what and come what may.. it was mostly a democracy at home!

My thirteenth birthday present was - don't hold your breath - not one but TWO cardboard cartons stuffed to bursting with abridged versions of the classics.. William Shakespeare.. Charles Dickens and all those great people! I got a remark for untidy handwriting in school and promptly he made sure I did two pages of copywriting from one of them.. which he would check and ask me questions about later! Our amusement at a restaurant was being given paper, pencil and the menu.. we had to correct spelling mistakes in the menu and ask the meanings of words we didn't understand.. both my brother Sunil and me!

He was, without a doubt, the most stubborn human being on the planet but I loved him to bits! Most of my friends remember him as someone who would come and say hello.. chat for 2 minutes and then go back to his own room! Not that he talked much (except about the good old days) but he connected with a number of people.. which has always surprised me! He taught me how to be neat organized and methodical.. and I am eternally in his debt! Despite being a workaholic, he always gave us enough time and was a willing repairer of household gadgets.. singer of songs.. dispenser of advice.. and so much more! He taught me to believe in myself.. fight for my rights.. not give in when I'm in the right.. never to accept injustice.. and always encouraged me to just "BE the best version of MYSELF that I could be!"

Daddy went through multiple hospitalizations and a great deal of ill heath.. all with a good grace and tremendous patience! He's been the strongest influence in my life.. was my hero.. my champion.. my idol.. my inspiration.. and as time goes by.. am just trying to do what he would have done.. and make him proud! 

It's now 5 years since he left this world.. and there isn't a day that I don't miss him.. get misty-eyed and wish he was here! I really miss his quiet sense of humour.. his wisdom.. his problem solving skills.. and gentle hugs and kisses (as opposed to my slightly ferocious ones) and STILL have days when I don't know how to go on without him! It's been 5 years and yet it feels like yesterday that you left me.. but I know in my heart that you're still "right here" with me.. watching over me and protecting me.. like you always have! February 3rd is always a heartbreakingly difficult day for me.. simply because I miss you so much!

In the immortal words of Sigmund Freud, "I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father's protection." Love you hamesha papa and miss you even more.. and thank you for everything you have done for me.. am SO proud to be your daughter!! It's impossible to think that 5 years have gone by so quickly.. but be at peace Papa.. until we meet again..