COMMUNICATING.. IS NOT JUST TALKING!!

There’s a lot of talk these days about being a GOOD communicator.. and it’s actually very interesting! Long before I was a child, in the 15^th century John Mirk wrote “children were meant to “be seen and not heard!” When women were going through their “monthly menses” it was a taboo word and whispered about.. the requisite material was bought wrapped and brought surreptitiously into the house.. and if questioned by anyone as to what was the matter, the girl/woman had to say ambiguously that she just “wasn’t feeling well” which covered a plethora of possibilities!

The word communication evokes visual images of postcards.. inland letters.. aerogrammes.. birthday cards.. telegrams and telephone calls.. it meant that someone would say or write something to another person.. and that person would reply.. and just to share an example..

I am now old enough to remember having experienced the undeniable charm of “ordinary.. urgent.. lightning and PP (particular person) calls” booked to friends and family in cities other than Bombay.. and even countries other than India.. There was a sense of excitement and anticipation “Will the call go through? Will it go through today? Will the connection be good? Will the person I’m calling be available?” Some of my happiest memories of seeing faces light up and eyes actually brim over.. or.. twinkle at the sound of a special voice.. That ONE communication would keep us happy for days if not weeks! A similar but less “immediate” happiness was experienced waiting for the birthday cards to come in.. and contrasting nervousness for term and final report cards to come in from school!

While the dictionary definition of communication is “the imparting or exchanging of information by speaking, writing, or using some other medium".. there's so much more to it than that! It means to me.. the way I "connect" with a person at a MEANINGFUL level.. This includes eye contact.. body language.. hugs.. kisses.. AND simply being a reassuring presence! 

Communication – both verbal and non-verbal has changed so much with time.. especially in the Indian scenario.. in-laws are no longer the intimidating people that daughters-in-law are afraid of.. parents are approachable and trusted confidantes.. siblings are friends too.. children are often the people who give fresh perspectives and out-of-the-box solutions to challenging situations and problems! OF COURSE I am talking about the urban homes..

My principles of communication are like this.. When I’m with someone, I am avoiding taking calls and reading text messages on my mobile.. that’s out of respect.. When my friend or whoever is talking.. I am LISTENING.. to understand.. and respond.. not composing what I’m going to say in my head! Sometimes people talk because they are sharing successes and wonderful news.. anxieties and stresses.. losses and failures.. It’s important to be completely “present” at the time.. listen to what is being said.. and even more.. to hear what the person is trying to say.. but can't find the words!!

When I’m meeting a friend after a long gap and am happy.. a hello and goodbye hug are mandatory.. NOT in Covid times of course.. and this is when the words we say become doubly important precious.. My friend Parul had come over to spend the day last week.. and we met after two months! Not the most expressive person, she said, “You know Pallu.. I know we don’t talk everyday.. and we only meet once a week (we are Sunday evening bachelor girl buddies).. but I REALLY missed you.. and am so happy that we’re together now!” If THAT’S not a hug in words – tell me what is!!

Considering what all of us are going through these days, let’s resolve to be better communicators.. be open and receptive listeners.. expressive and generous with our resources of affection love patience sympathy and empathy.. If we can all make a genuine effort to do this and make sure we TOUCH each other’s lives with our own unique and special “stamp of caring”.. and keep the faith strong (in the Universe.. higher power.. God.. or whoever we believe in).. I have complete confidence that we will survive this difficult time emotionally relatively unscathed! JUST communicate!

 

 

 

 

 

DO I JUST WANT IT? OR DO I REALLY NEED IT?

Food.. shelter and clothing used to be considered as the basic necessities for a good life.. BUT.. time goes by.. Research and development takes place.. HAPPINESS studies are conducted.. advertising attacks our eyes, noses.. minds and mouths.. and we start wanting things..

We see our friends family neighbours and colleagues buying things.. and our WANTS transform (at the speed of light) into NEEDS.. We no longer WANT the latest cellphone.. the latest make up products.. the latest earpods.. the most amazing cheese.. the newest flavour of chocolate.. we NEED it! The truth of the matter is that AS SOON AS we get what we think we “need”.. it loses it’s value!

When I sat down to think about what are the things I really WANT and NEED in my life.. the answers that came up weren’t “things”.. the answers were “people”.. the answers were “positive feelings”.. the answers were “experiences”.. the answers were “funny jokes”.. the answers were “good friends”.. the answers were “caring family”.. the answers were “nice neighbours”.. the answers were “great conversations”.. and all that kind of good stuff!

Who are the people I need? Everyone who brings positive feelings into my life.. maybe it’s just a smile from my liftman.. or unexpected courtesy from a shopkeeper.. or an extra big bunch of coriander from my bhajiwallah.. a compliment on a word well played in online Scrabble.. being served my favourite breakfast meal without asking for it.. maybe it’s a message from one of my brevet (unofficially adopted bachhas) just to say “Hi Maasi.. hope you’re okay.. Love you!”

Experiences.. the “WOW” kind that are once-in-a-lifetime like going skydiving.. swimming with dolphins.. doing a bungy jump.. holding a newborn baby in my arms.. and more often.. the little everyday experiences of receiving a bouquet of flowers “just because”.. trying a new recipe that turns out to be amazingly delicious.. just sitting with a good friend and talking about something nothing anything and everything.. getting an opportunity to help those in need and TAKING it..

Funny jokes.. sometimes the PJs that make me roll my eyes and wonder HOW on earth anyone would find them funny.. the risqué ones.. the slapstick ones.. the subtle ones.. the intelligent ones.. the ones that made me laugh till I got a stitch in my side.. Yes.. sometimes my mobile Gallery gets filled to overflowing with jokes.. but am truly thankful that someone loves me enough to want to make me smile and laugh.. and shares jokes with me..

Good friends.. if you’re reading this blog.. it’s because you are a GOOD friend.. and you know that I don’t use the word FRIEND lightly! You are much more than an acquaintance.. and we share some wonderful memories and are committed to “be there” for each other through thick and thin ( and also through sick and sin!!) In the present scenario.. there are friends.. there is family.. and then there are friends who become family.. and I am blessed to have so many of those in my life!

Caring family.. families care.. it’s just what they do.. it doesn’t mean that you talk to each other daily.. or even regularly.. but they are the people who will call or message just to check on me.. see if I’m okay.. and ask if I need anything.. and vice versa.. Families are people who are connected by the bonds of blood.. caring.. and sharing..

Nice neighbours.. are an irreplaceable part of your life! Having a doctor neighbour-friend is wonderful.. and having neighbours with whom you share meals.. chats.. recipes.. important telephone numbers.. interests like sports music and movies.. run errands for each other.. play cards or board games with.. is a GREAT thing! I’m never all alone.. These are very special relationships always to be nurtured and treasured on a daily basis!

Great conversations.. like the one we’re having right now.. Am so lucky to have wonderful people who I can share everything in my life with.. the good bad ugly crazy funny scary weird sad special.. everything from start to finish – without the fear of being JUDGED!

To be accepted for what and who I am.. to be trusted and loved unconditionally.. no matter whatever be the case..

That’s really all that I truly want and need.. and ..what about you?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

WE ALL HAVE SO MANY MOTHERS - REALLY!!

Mother’s Day is just one more valid reason to send flowers.. hug.. kiss.. give cards.. send flowers.. and express in so many words what your mind and heart feel every single day.. right? Right! And this is invariably to your mother and sometimes also your mother-in-law.. right? Right! Hugs kisSes card and flowers done? So now you’re off the hook until next year.. right? Wrong! Absolutely wrong!

If you think you have only one mother, you are SO wrong! Everyone agrees that a mother is someone who, apart from giving birth to you, is also the one who nurtures you.. takes care of you.. always has your back.. fights for you.. protects you.. cooks for you.. teaches you.. to walk.. and picks you up when you fall.. cures everything with a hug and kiss.. and just simply.. accepts and loves you.. unconditionally!!

Life has changed so much and so quickly over the last 30 years.. children have gone overseas to study.. decided to stay on and settle there.. jobs have become super demanding.. both partners have to work to afford and enjoy a certain lifestyle.. and there’s just NO time to sit down and relax.. and if there IS.. it’s only thanks to the various “other mothers” in our lives!

Kind neighbours who willingly take delivery of our gas cylinders when we’re out.. they are “helpful mothers”.. pre-school teachers who cuddle and comfort our howling toddlers are “emotional mothers”.. building security guards who ensure that no dangerous people  barge into our homes are “protective mothers”.. friends who send food when we’re sick (or quarantined these days) are “nurturing mothers”.. our staff who wait on us hand and food to keep us comfortable are “devoted mothers”.. 3 am friends who we call in times of emergencies are “dependable mothers”.. healthcare professionals both mental and physical are “caring & curing mothers”..vendors who home deliver whatever we need and want are “indulgent mothers”.. poor women begging at traffic signals or forced into prostitution are “desperate mothers”.. The Indian Army guarding our borders and taking bullets to keep us safe are “protective mothers”.. Mother Earth is our “abundant mother” blessing us all the time and so generously.. I could go on and on..

Mothers who bring us up.. and raise us to be the best version of ourselves that we can be.. praise when we’re good.. scold when we’re otherwise.. admonish gently so we learn from our mistakes.. are strict disciplinarians when the occasion calls for it.. but are still our best friends to whom we can talk about anything and everything.. dream beautiful dreams for us.. try their best to make them come true.. put our whims and fancies.. hopes dreams and desires ahead of their own on a CONSTANT basis.. celebrate our smallest victories and hush up our greatest failures.. and always believe that THEIR child is the brightest best looking most charming exceptional one-of-a-kind extraordinary human on the planet.. HATS OFF to all of them.. but do let’s also raise a toast to the various “other mothers” in our lives who understand us.. support us.. cheer us on.. keep believing in us.. act crazy with and have giggly conversations with us.. are fountains of wisdom and good sense when we need them to be.. and are just “rock solid” in our lives come what may!!

It’s now close to seven years since I lost my Mom.. but there are some incredible “other mothers” out there who’ve always had my back and this is just to thank you.. for being YOU.. and letting me be ME.. and still loving me through it all..

Biggest bear hugs going out to Brinda Jhaveri.. Jana Mahadevan.. Sumit Kanabar.. Viraj-Sushi Karnik.. Varsha Shinde.. Anu Thyagarajan.. Ujwala Shinde.. Kavita Khanna.. Renu Haksar.. Porus Kapadia.. Gayatri Ram.. Shriti Kapadia.. Manisha Desai.. Parul Jhaveri.. Lavina Roy.. Smita Mankani.. Ajay Kapur.. Praful Khandelwal.. Manish Shah.. Rajesh Pratap Singh..  and Amit Naik.. just to name a few!!

Happy Mother’s Day to all my “OTHER MOTHERS!!”

Love you all so very much!!

 

FRIENDSHIP – THE BEST THERAPY EVER!!

 Friendship is defined in the dictionary as "a relationship of mutual affection between people. It is a stronger form of interpersonal bond than an association."

Ever since I was a toddler, I have memories of wandering all over the building firmly holding hands with my oldest friend Varsha.. eating two dinners every evening - first at my house.. and then at hers.. and THEN we used to shamelessly go and sit downstairs on the low wall outside the watchmen’s little shed.. Watching them cooking their dinner including fresh thick hot rotis and greedy little mouths watering, our old and trusted, very affectionste Nepali watchman would with a knowing gentle indulgent smile ask us “Garam roti khayega baby log?” to which we would eagerly reply in the affirmative! We would be given a delicious hot roti each with salt sprinkled on top (the poor man’s budget being stretched already with giving us BOTH  a roti each daily) which we ate with gusto! The watchman was one of our first friends.. cupboard love at it’s best!

We who live in Mumbai are truly lucky.. we grow up with building friends.. friends from extra-curricular classes.. school friends.. college friends.. “train friends”.. office friends.. gym friends.. and now.. thanks to technology.. also virtual friends!! Some of my closest friends today are people I’ve met on the internet.. and although it can be scary.. you can meet some amazing people there.. as I have!

My Dad was a bit of a rolling stone career-wise.. we moved continents once.. so childhood friends are very few.. and I was a bit of a late bloomer so have a few school friends.. but came into my own right from the first day of college! Looking at my core group today, a number of them are people I met in college and they are also my 3 AM friends!

Many moons ago, my mother used to practically “accuse” me of being “obsessed” with my friends.. and say things like “when you’re in trouble.. remember.. it’s going to be only family that stands by you.. not friends!” As it turned out.. life has now become a situation where your friends.. and often.. your neighbours are your family too! I have experienced this first-hand on numerous crisis occasions.. just a phone call to say “I need help” and no questions asked, there has been a veritable army of friends just waiting to help!

Friendship to me has always meant being there for each other.. unquestioning acceptance.. celebrating the commonalities AND the differences.. feeling safe enough to get drunk.. act crazy (I don’t need to ACT!!).. confess misdeeds without the fear of being judged.. going that extra mile to put a smile on someone’s face.. trusting someone completely.. giving in.. letting go.. being able to take someone for granted in the nicest possible way.. do silly impetuous things with.. talk all night long about something, nothing and everything.. cry together.. share successes with.. call at any time of the day or night without any hesitation.. and above all.. to be able to do this with an abiding mutual respect and unconditional LOVE!!

Often I have wild enthusiasms that are crazy and impetuous.. but am blessed to have friends are are happy to participate in the madness.. whether it is taking off for a weekend in the clothes we’re wearing.. trying to teach English to street children.. tracking down and reaching out to a dentist to sponsor bicycles enabling Adivasi children to be able to go to school based on an article on the internet.. The list is endless.. I could go on and on!

There are friends I have made travelling on flights.. off the internet.. incredible vendors I met through the pandemic.. professors who have taught me.. colleagues.. neighbours.. friends of friends.. just people with whose lives my path have met or crossed.. and we have been in touch.. stayed in touch.. and it’s always been wonderful!

As of 2020, I decided to STOP all gifting for birthdays, Diwali etc.. because it meant more to me to share a lovely meal or a leisurely weekend at my home in Lonavala with them instead.. Friends DESERVE and NEED the gift of time.. no mobiles to be answered.. no interruptions.. no distractions.. just pure “time with each other”.. it’s the ultimate therapy! Friends are people to be admired, cherished, pampered, treasured, valued and loved!

Friendship.. to me.. is pure oxygen! It is essential necessary crucial and imperative for me to remain functioning at an optimal level.. and this comes out to all of you wonderful friends who I try to keep in touch with.. as regularly as possible! My bestie Sumit finds it unbelievable that I have friends that I talk to EVERY single day.. but that’s just the way it is.. and I wouldn’t have it any other way!

Near.. far.. wherever you are.. if you are reading this right now.. know always that you are a friend I treasure.. care about.. and will always be here for you.. in whatever way possible.. to the best of my ability..

This blog is a little long but then.. all this HAD to be shared with you all.. thank you.. as always.. for reading!

 

 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY – YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN 93 TODAY!!

Bon anniversaire Papa! Feliz cumpleanos El Papito ! Selamat ulang tahun Papah saya! Gratulerer med lagen Min Papa! Any which way I try.. any country I visit.. any language I use.. French.. Italian.. Indonesian.. Norwegian.. every single 30^th of April.. my wishes for the happiest birthday ever remain the same to you Daddy!!

Ever since I could read and understand a calendar, the 30^th of April was always my MOST IMPORTANT day of the year! It was a day to celebrate you.. the wonderful dependable knowledgeable open motivating generous practical soft-hearted wise and hardworking you!

Birthday gifts would be wrapped.. birthday cards would be bought.. a birthday poem would be written.. a birthday cake would be ordered.. a birthday dinner at a fancy restaurant would be demanded (by me) and graciously hosted (by you).. birthday hugs and kisses would be showered upon you until you almost begged for mercy from the veritable onslaught of love!!

In retrospect, it couldn’t have been easy for you.. a man who wasn’t openly demonstrative with your affection.. to have a daughter that was a complete walking and  talking hugs-and-kisses demanding machine! Now that I’m older and wiser, am both - amazed and amused at the things that you’ve done (out of choice) and had to do (out of compulsion) just because I was (and always will be) your darling daughter!

Let’s flashback to just a little over four years ago when you were in hospital.. Dr. Gandhi had told me that you weren’t going to make it.. and that I should call friends and family who would like to meet you to the hospital.. and so I did.. You were way too smart not to figure out why so many people (some of whom you hadn’t seen in years even) were coming to meet you.. but with your usual common sense and amiability.. met them graciously and spoke to them all.. gave stock market recommendations.. opined about the budget.. etc..

It was in that last six days of so many visitors that people told me stories of how you had helped them.. how MUCH you had helped them.. how you had given them their first chance.. maybe their second chance.. how you had inspired them.. and how you had led by example! These were all revelations to me and I was genuinely unaware of how my father who didn’t talk much or communicate much.. had formed such strong bonds and connects with people!

It has happened so often with me that I say something.. or do something.. and people (friends, family, colleagues and neighbours) say “That’s JUST what Narendrabhai would have said or done – you are truly 100%your father’s daughter!” THAT is a badge of honour that I wear with the utmost pride and joy!

Had circumstances been different and you had been with me today.. it would have been something like this.. You would have called me to come and sit with you.. narrated little snippets of important news to me.. showed me ads for new junk food products and soft drinks being launched and told me to go buy them at the earliest.. cajoled me to let you eat “dahi” with and ice cream after lunch and dinner (both of which were bad for you).. gotten misty-eyed as you read the birthday poem and cards.. admonished me gently for spending too much on the birthday presents (but felt very happy inside).. and succumbed graciously to my barrage of hugs and kisses!!

The greatest blessings of my life have been the times we have spent together.. cracking jokes.. watching TV.. talking about life, love and everything in-between.. discussing food until we were both drooling (!!).. when you were proud of me being called to the Disney office in Hong Kong for an interview.. when I qualified as a teacher.. arguing about political beliefs.. and although I didn’t really like it when you were angry with me.. am grateful for the lessons you taught me too!

Your wisdom.. intelligence.. problem-solving skills.. patience.. determination.. compassion and quiet sense of humour made you one-of-a-kind!  On your birthday, know that you have left really big shoes to fill.. but am trying my very best to live up to your ideals.. and always will do whatever I can to make you proud of me and say (with a twinkle in your eye) “That’s MY girl!!”

Happiest Birthday ever to you Daddy.. and be at peace.. wherever you are.. I love you and miss you every single day.. but I know that you’re right here.. watching over me!!

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DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC? IT'S EVERYWHERE!

Do you believe in magic? I don't mean the rabbit pulling top-hatted magician kind.. or the Abracadabra-magic wand-Harry Potter kind.. but the everyday kind of magic that is all around us.. should we choose to see it and recognize it for what it is!

I had a truly "magical experience" yesterday that I'm delighted to share with you.. 

Someone had to have some important documents collected from my house.. I offered to send them by courier, albeit a tad reluctantly, given the nature of the contents.. My advisor called me saying their office boy Raju would come and pick it up to which I replied that I would leave the envelope with security to be handed over to him at a pre-decided time which was mutually agreeable.

My mobile rang at around that time and when I answered, an incredibly cheerful male voice at the other end said, "Good afternoon.. Pallavi Ma'am bol rahi hain na? Ma'am I am Raju from so-and-so company! Main churchgate station ke paas hoon.. aapka ghar kis taraf hai?" He also explained his location to me very clearly, saying "I am opposite Churchgate station.. Oval Maidan is to my left.. and the ticket booking office is to my right. Where should I come?" I explained to him, told him who to collect the envelope from and that was that (as far as I was concerned.)

As it turned out.. not really! Raju called me back in perhaps five minutes to say, "Ma'am main aapke building ke neeche hoon.. So-and-so ne mujhe aapka envelope diya hai.. Thank you very much Ma'am.. take care of yourself and have a very nice day!" I thanked him conventionally and hung up..

He went on his happy (or otherwise) way and I was GOBSMACKED! For starters, Raju is an office boy.. his take home definitely mustn't have too many zeroes on it.. he's out on the road collecting papers.. dropping them off.. calling people to let them know he's on the way.. or waiting downstairs.. it's SO hot these days.. and inspite of all this, he sounded like he was REALLY happy doing what he was doing! Devotion to duty is one thing.. but to have such a fabulous attitude towards his work.. that was AMAZING to me!

I chose to SEE that a little bit of magic had come by me and didn't want to let it pass unnoticed.. and so I called him back and he answered immediately, "Yes Pallavi Ma'am? Any problem? How can I help you?" I just told him, "You are such a cheerful person and I just wanted to let you know that so many people call me to offer services.. to collect things.. drop things.. but no one has ever been as pleasant as you are! It has been such a pleasure talking to you and I am going to let your boss know this as well!" He thanked me nicely and wished me, "God bless and have a nice day Ma'am."

This is the message I sent his boss :

"Hi So-and-so

Your office boy Raju came to collect the papers some time ago. Obviously I had left the envelope ready downstairs with security.. This message is just to say that I get calls everyday from people offering rendering or confirming a service.. we all do.. BUT..

Raju from your company comes across as an extremely positive enthusiastic pleasant and cheerful person who has a wonderful attitude towards his work! Am sure you know what a fabulous asset you have in him and value him in your organization accordingly! I look forward to a day when I can meet him face to face and thank him personally!

Just thought it was the high point of my day and really wanted to share this with you!"

Needless his boss was very happy.. he told me so and shared the message with him!

My takeaway from this experience was this :

The pandemic is stressful for us all.. and especially more so for some..

Most of us (including me) tend to be impatient, snappy and rude to telemarketers who call.. the poor things are making sometimes 200 calls daily.. or to people who are making feedback calls for appliance purchases or car services.. EVERYONE is fighting a tough battle..

Let's all try and be kind, patient and polite.. and LOOK for the little magical moments in our day.. they are all around us.. we just have to grab them when we see them! 

It may not seem like a very special story to you.. but it certainly was to me!!   

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