ON OUTGROWING PEOPLE.. it actually happens!

Have you ever come away from meeting with or finished a conversation with someone you always thought was a very close friend (or family member) feeling like “What’s going on? It felt like there was just no “connect” in the conversation.. or.. Why doesn’t he/she understand what I’m trying to say.. or.. It feels like I’m talking to someone I don’t know anymore..” This happens to all of us at various points in time and we need to introspect as to WHY this is so.. It has been happening to me of late and I finally came to an answer which actually SHOOK me..

One of life’s challenging realizations is that sometimes you outgrow your friends.. difficult to accept? Definitely.. but unless you accept it.. your own growth will not progress.. and you will not be able to alter and change certain patterns of thinking and behaviour that you need to.. if you want to get onto your spiritual path.. As I have mentioned earlier, getting onto one’s spiritual path and staying on it is essential if you want to grow as a person and get a realistic perspective on life.. and on yourself..

As we go through life we have a variety of experiences and meet and interact with different kinds of people.. some happy.. some not so happy.. some exciting and others boring.. some comfortable and others awkward.. How we feel about the experience and how we react/respond to the people is determines by our state of mind and heart at the time.. and our instinct as well.. As an example, let’s say we have school friends with whom we have played mischievous pranks.. mimicked our teachers and giggled at silly jokes which was great fun when we were young.. but seems downright stupid disrespectful and a waste of time 30 or 40 years later..

This happens because as we grow older and wiser in years.. we subconsciously and actively seek out like-minded people who have similar hobbies passions interests and value systems.. Those of us who are wise beyond our years realize and recognize the need to change and evolve in order to raise our levels of awareness and growth.. Some of us are lucky and blessed to find a mentor or teacher or “guru” who conveys this directly or indirectly.. and a few unfortunates don’t realize and go through the major part of their lives comfortably tucked into their deep comfortable ruts and have no interest whatsoever in changing or evolving.. and that is SAD..

Speaking for myself, I was a typical giddy-headed Papa’s princess.. always higher than most on emotions and reasonably so on IQ but not necessarily on EQ.. Impulsive outspoken emotional and possessive about my friends, life gave me some hard knocks before I realized that it was wiser to be spontaneous tactful and not be TOO attached to the people I cared about! Buckets of tears were cried.. cartons full of tissues were used.. sleepless nights were suffered.. too many Tylenols were swallowed before I started paying attention to people who seemed to “have it all together”.. and HOW they were so different from me!

Deep and meaningful conversations with friends like Porus and Parul who are clear thinkers were enlightening.. and there was an overwhelming wealth of wisdom in the right books that were suggested to me to read.. Knowing that I get clarity when I write things down, I actually sat down and analyzed the friends and people in my life in terms of what they bring to the friendship.. how they make me feel.. what they teach me.. how I feel when I meet them etc.. It was very difficult to acknowledge to myself that there are some friends and/or family members that I have outgrown.. but it HAD to be done!

It has been an exceedingly empowering exercise and has helped me to understand things like this:

I have outgrown people who are envious of me.. I have outgrown the consistently negative people.. the ones who complain all the time.. the ones who take me for granted.. and believe me, they exist! The list is long so am sharing a quote by Chanda Kaushik that says it better than I would ever be able to..

“I have outgrown many things. I have outgrown relatives who gladly offer criticism but not support. I have outgrown my need to meet my family's unrealistic expectations of me. I have outgrown girls who wear masks and secretly rejoice at my misfortunes. I have outgrown shrinking myself for boys who are intimidated by my intelligence and outspoken nature. I have outgrown friends who cannot celebrate my accomplishments. I have outgrown people who conveniently disappear whenever life gets a little dark. I have outgrown those who take pleasure in gossiping and spreading negativity. I have outgrown dull, meaningless conversations that feel forced. I have outgrown those who don't take a stand against ignorance and injustice. I have outgrown trying to please everyone. I have outgrown society constantly telling me I'm not beautiful, smart, or worthy enough. I have outgrown trying to fix every little flaw. I have outgrown my tendency to fill my mind with self-doubt and insecurity. I have outgrown trying to find reasons not to love myself. I have outgrown anything and anyone that does not enrich the essence of my soul. I have outgrown many things, and I've never felt freer.”

Will sign off here with a heartfelt request.. sit down.. think.. analyse.. acknowledge.. and accept.. Some people were a part of your story.. some people are a part of it.. and a few will always be a part of it.. because you choose it to be that way! Don’t feel guilty.. it’s natural and just the way life is meant to be.. We all have only one life to live.. so raise the bar and live a quality life with the people that enrich your soul!

MAKING THE "GG" ENVELOPE.. a brilliant idea!!

"When we give cheerfully and accept gracefully, everyone is blessed" are words of infinite wisdom by Maya Angelou..

Giving (as a verb) is defined as the act of presenting voluntarily and without expecting compensation..

Giving as an adjective is defined as being affectionate and generous with one's feelings  affection and/or possessions..

We live in a time of giving and particularly so in India where traditions rule and often dictate lifestyles and customs to be followed unquestioningly. One dimension of giving is the concept of "daan" in Hinduism which is an important part of our religious duty. However, that's not exactly the aspect I'm writing about today..

We live in a consumer world of plenty and are surrounded by objects of desire need and fantasy.. actually we are overwhelmed by the plethora of things that are available! Advertising branding and marketing professionals make oodles of money by assaulting our sight smell taste touch and hearing with all kinds of stimuli that are virtually impossible to resist! We look.. we see.. and we buy! Often we bring it home and try it on.. walk around in it.. or put it into cupboards and cabinets that are already overflowing with an excess of things already..

An incident of perhaps 25 years ago comes to mind.. someone I knew bought a couple of outfits from the designer Ritu Kumar. She brought them home.. cut off the tags.. and threw them in the dustbin and that was the end of that (or so she thought)! The next day her helper came to her with one of the tags and said "You have bought this one outfit for 3000 rupees? I slog for you all month and you pay me 3000 rupees.. Wow!" This was a reminder to me to always be watchful and careful.. simply because the divide between the haves and have nots in India is tremendous.. and we wouldn't want to hurt anyone's feelings deliberately!

Most of my friends know that I have this thing about always keeping crisp banknotes in my wallet and handbag.. and that there will typically always be bundles of 500s 200s 100s 50s 20s and 10s in my handbag at any given time (thanks to the kindness of my bank manager)! Whenever I used to have to pay for anything, the bundle would come out and I would just do the needful! My oldest friend Varsha told me one day "Listen, don't take out the whole bundle and pay.. people are watching and it isn't the safest thing either! You are not be doing it intending to show off but why do it at all? Just keep notes of all denominations in your wallet and spend from there! Words of wisdom indeed.. and the other brilliant advice she gave me was "When you're doing anything with money - counting.. putting away.. taking out.. PLEASE lock your bedroom door!" Thank you again Varsha..

We are constantly thinking and feeling "I have too many clothes.. too many shoes.. too much make up.. just TOO much stuff.. and it's driving me crazy!" And still when we go out.. we come back with more.. if this doesn't make us gluttons for punishment.. what else does? At some point we DO feel that we want.to give things away and keep less.. and then we start thinking "It's still in good condition so maybe I will wear it.. it's too good to give away.. it was such an expensive buy.. How can I give it away so soon etcetera.."

There was one day a few years ago when I was trying to decide on a birthday gift for a friend who has almost everything! It was tormenting to say the least.. the questions that ran through my mind.. Will she like it? Use it? Does she have it already? Does she need it? The questions and second guessing of self continued.. and drove me crazy!

And then the whole drama of gifting.. Some people give thoughtful gifts.. some give impractical gifts.. some people give gifts that make you wonder.. and some people recycle the most idiotic gifts.. If you get something you like that's all fine and dandy.. BUT.. If you don't.. Will you tell the person who gave it to you honestly? Will you lie and say you love it if you don't? Will you say you have it already or don't need it? You don't want to hurt the giver's feelings but don't want to be lumped with something you don't particularly care for!

And THAT was my Eureka moment! I decided to STOP all gifting because it was something that was make the recipient and me happy.. but was ending up generating stress (for me for sure)! The pressure of feeling that I HAD to give.. the making of lists.. the budgeting.. the hunting.. the packing.. the dropping off or delivering.. and all this for people who are abundantly blessed already with enough and more! WHY?? I stopped gifting on birthdays.. at Rakshabandhan.. and Diwali.. and it has been one of my best decisions ever! Now if at all I want to gift.. I gift the gift of time.. or a nice meal.. or an experience for very special occasions.. and that’s about it! As we all are, I have a couple of very close friends who REFUSE to accept my decision and as the are truly precious, I don’t argue but they are the exceptions that make the rule!

The credit for this blog goes to my friend Rupal who called me and said “Pallu, I have an idea for your blog but won’t be able to express it the way you will.. but this is the thought.. Let’s stop with the hostess gifts when we go to each other’s homes and instead put some money in an envelope.. collect it until it becomes a significant amount and then either give it to our staff or someone else who really needs it! God bless and thank you Rupal..

Needless to say I LOVED the idea so this is a request to all of you reading to adopt this idea and create a “GRATITUDE GIFTING” envelope and ask your friends and family to do the same! From now on when you’re going to a friend or relative’s house, just hand over a token amount of 100 200 or 500 rupees in your “GG” envelope (as I like to call it) instead of the mithai chocolate sweets flowers or farsan (which are the most frequently given hostess gifts) and be happy knowing that your small gesture of giving will, over a period of time, change improve or transform the life of someone who really needs it! As a bonus, you’re also NOT putting on weight from the empty calories that most of the above give you! The “GG” envelope is a much better option right?

So what are you waiting for? Let me know what you think of the idea and go make your “GG” envelope today!

*Deepest apologies for the fiasco with posting the blog this morning! Good to know that technology can make mistakes sometimes as well!

 

A BRILLIANT IDEA FOR US ALL.. so please adopt it!

"When we give cheerfully and accept gracefully, everyone is blessed" are words of infinite wisdom by Maya Angelou..

Giving (as a verb) is defined as the act of presenting voluntarily and without expecting compensation..

Giving as an adjective is defined as being affectionate and generous with one's feelings  affection and/or possessions..

We live in a time of giving and particularly so in India where traditions rule and often dictate lifestyles and customs to be followed unquestioningly. One dimension of giving is the concept of "daan" in Hinduism which is an important part of our religious duty. However, that's not exactly the aspect I'm writing about today..

We live in a consumer world of plenty and are surrounded by objects of desire need and fantasy.. actually we are overwhelmed by the plethora of things that are available! Advertising branding and marketing professionals make oodles of money by assaulting our sight smell taste touch and hearing with all kinds of stimuli that are virtually impossible to resist! We look.. we see.. and we buy! Often we bring it home and try it on.. walk around in it.. or put it into cupboards and cabinets that are already overflowing with an excess of things already..

An incident of perhaps 25 years ago comes to mind.. someone I knew bought a couple of outfits from the designer Ritu Kumar. She brought them home.. cut off the tags.. and threw them in the dustbin and that was the end of that (or so she thought)! The next day her helper came to her with one of the tags and said "You have bought this one outfit for 3000 rupees? I slog for you all month and you pay me 3000 rupees.. Wow!" This was a reminder to me to always be watchful and careful.. simply because the divide between the haves and have nots in India is tremendous.. and we wouldn't want to hurt anyone's feelings deliberately!

Most of my friends know that I have this thing about always keeping crisp banknotes in my wallet and handbag.. and that there will typically always be bundles of 500s 200s 100s 50s 20s and 10s in my handbag at any given time (thanks to the kindness of my bank manager)! Whenever I used to have to pay for anything, the bundle would come out and I would just do the needful! My oldest friend Varsha told me one day "Listen, don't take out the whole bundle and pay.. people are watching and it isn't the safest thing either! You are not be doing it intending to show off but why do it at all? Just keep notes of all denominations in your wallet and spend from there! Words of wisdom indeed.. and the other brilliant advice she gave me was "When you're doing anything with money - counting.. putting away.. taking out.. PLEASE lock your bedroom door!" Thank you again Varsha..

We are constantly thinking and feeling "I have too many clothes.. too many shoes.. too much make up.. just TOO much stuff.. and it's driving me crazy!" And still when we go out.. we come back with more.. if this doesn't make us gluttons for punishment.. what else does? At some point we DO feel that we want.to give things away and keep less.. and then we start thinking "It's still in good condition so maybe I will wear it.. it's too good to give away.. it was such an expensive buy.. How can I give it away so soon etcetera.."

There was one day a few years ago when I was trying to decide on a birthday gift for a friend who has almost everything! It was tormenting to say the least.. the questions that ran through my mind.. Will she like it? Use it? Does she have it already? Does she need it? The questions and second guessing of self continued.. and drove me crazy!

And then the whole drama of gifting.. Some people give thoughtful gifts.. some give impractical gifts.. some people give gifts that make you wonder.. and some people recycle the most idiotic gifts.. If you get something you like that's all fine and dandy.. BUT.. If you don't.. Will you tell the person who gave it to you honestly? Will you lie and say you love it if you don't? Will you say you have it already or don't need it? You don't want to hurt the giver's feelings but don't want to be lumped with something you don't particularly care for!

And THAT was my Eureka moment! I decided to STOP all gifting because it was something that was make the recipient and me happy.. but was ending up generating stress (for me for sure)! The pressure of feeling that I HAD to give.. the making of lists.. the budgeting.. the hunting.. the packing.. the dropping off or delivering.. and all this for people who are abundantly blessed already with enough and more! WHY?? I stopped gifting on birthdays.. at Rakshabandhan.. and Diwali.. and it has been one of my best decisions ever! Now if at all I want to gift.. I gift the gift of time.. or a nice meal.. or an experience for very special occasions.. and that’s about it! As we all are, I have a couple of very close friends who REFUSE to accept my decision and as the are truly precious, I don’t argue but they are the exceptions that make the rule!

The credit for this blog goes to my friend Rupal who called me and said “Pallu, I have an idea for your blog but won’t be able to express it the way you will.. but this is the thought.. Let’s stop with the hostess gifts when we go to each other’s homes and instead put some money in an envelope.. collect it until it becomes a significant amount and then either give it to our staff or someone else who really needs it! God bless and thank you Rupal..

Needless to say I LOVED the idea so this is a request to all of you reading to adopt this idea and create a “GRATITUDE GIFTING” envelope and ask your friends and family to do the same! From now on when you’re going to a friend or relative’s house, just hand over a token amount of 100 200 or 500 rupees in your “GG” envelope (as I like to call it) instead of the mithai chocolate sweets flowers or farsan (which are the most frequently given hostess gifts) and be happy knowing that your small gesture of giving will, over a period of time, change improve or transform the life of someone who really needs it! As a bonus, you’re also NOT putting on weight from the empty calories that most of the above give you! The “GG” envelope is a much better option right?

So what are you waiting for? Let me know what you think of the idea and go make your “GG” envelope today!

*Deepest apologies for the fiasco with posting the blog this morning! Good to know that technology can make mistakes sometimes as well!

 

 

 

 

HAPPY WOMEN'S DAY.. to all of us!!

Yesterday was International Women's Day.. nice that they call it international.. makes it truly inclusive and includes women all over the world! I am fortunate to have met and gotten to know women in different parts of the world.. some casually and some otherwise.. All of these women are different and similar in certain ways.. they may be rich or poor.. educated or illiterate.. working or homemakers.. beautiful stunning or average looking.. brilliant or clever.. street smart or savvy.. BUT.. what stands out like a shining beacon about ALL these women is their strength resilience confidence integrity generosity patience and above all.. compassion..

Today's blog is a celebration of and tribute to all the very special unique and wonderful women in my life that I can't imagine my world without..

Let's start with the woman I owe my very existence to.. my mother Vasant Dalal.. or Vasu as we used to affectionately address her! She was one helluva woman.. way ahead of her time and absolutely her own person.. Although she wasn't a graduate with a degree from any college.. I say confidently and proudly that she lived life on her own terms and told it like it was.. often a tad outspoken and called a spade a shovel! She taught me to believe in myself.. and I remember asking her once before going to a party "Mom.. do you think this top is a little transparent?" To which her reply was "If YOU aren't comfortable wearing it then don't.. but don't think about what anyone ELSE is going to think or say!" She drove my friends and me home from Shanmukhananda Hall one night in torrential rain without headlights horn and wipers.. talk about a rockstar!! Thank you Mummy for the deep reserves of courage..

And then let's talk about my Head of Department from teacher's training college.. Jana Mahadevan who was (and continues to be) truly passionate about children.. the environment in which they should learn.. HOW to create it and make it a JOYFUL experience.. Thank you Jana for awakening a similar passion in me.. and for pushing lazy me above and beyond my limit to excel and truly be the best teacher I can be.. 

My friend Roshan and I met a really long time ago at a seminar on Professionalism in Education where she attended and appreciated two of my workshops! We're almost a generation apart but there's a "karmic connection" and almost all major events in our lives happen at around the same time for us both! Roshan, thank you so much for showing me how important it is to be thorough and get to the crux of a matter..

A heartfelt "thank you" to my friend Dinaz Stafford who's always encouraged me to spread my wings and fly! She's incredibly committed to everything and everyone in her life! Will be eternally indebted to you for seeing my potential and abilities and entrusting your precious Salaam Baalak Trust children and "Didis" to me! Thank you Dinaz for showing me how to "jump in at the deep end" and still swim!

Another inspiration would have to be my bestie Anu Thyagarajan who tells the BEST stories in the world! She's the best teacher I have ever known and possibly of the the nicest human beings I know.. super high on both IQ and EQ.. in Singapore for the last 26 years but an integral part of my daily life.. Thank you Anu for always believing in me (more than I believe in myself) and teaching me how to think before I speak..

Have to mention my oldest friend Varsha Shinde who I've known and loved for over 52 years now.. another woman of substance who married before the age of 18 into a big joint family and has evolved into the quintessential "centre of the family" who manages a husband family and agriculture with great aplomb! Thank you Varsha for teaching me how to celebrate every little joy in life!

In 1979 it was "Prefect's Day" in Queen Mary School when the girls in standard 9 and 10 used to go to the junior classes and handle them for the whole day.. thanks to that I met Shriti Kapadia who's consistently been the most sensible and practical person I have ever met.. with a heart of pure gold! Thank you Shriti for always giving great advice.. being my voice of reason and leading by example!

I was incredibly lucky in college to meet and befriend Smita Mankani Parul Jhaveri Lavina Roy and Kavita Khanna! Smita is someone I love like a sister or even more.. her house is my house and we don't keep any secrets from each other.. She's just been through a major health issue and dealt with it beautifully.. Thank you Smita for teaching me that in gentleness and pure goodness of heart lie the greatest strength! 

Parul is another person I can not begin to imagine my world without.. she is calm collected organized and NEVER hurries.. also one of the biggest supporters to me on my spiritual journey and someone who I can talk to about ANYTHING with no fear of being judged at all.. Thank you Parul for teaching me how to hold up a mirror to myself analyze what I see and work on changing it.. I love you!

Lavina is someone I have HUGE respect for.. with constant stress and an incredibly busy life.. she still manages to "be there" as the proverbial "rock" for her friends and family and runs two houses brilliantly! Her children are my children too and we share a wonderful friendship! Thank you Lavina for showing me how "friends become family" and for being family to me!

Kavita is the real life representation of Superwoman.. work family home friends faith and everything else.. she manages to rock it all and "be there" for everyone and everything! She and I can spend hours talking and laughing about anything and everything and time just flies! Thank you Kavita for showing me constantly that it doesn't pay to take life too seriously..

Last but by no means the least are Ami Thakker and Alefia Zoomkawala who have been my "partners in crime" while teaching street children or participating in my wild fancies or getting involved in worthy causes! Both of these women are gentle softspoken and amazing wives mothers mothers-in-law and still rocking in their own right! Thank you for the trust and for always participating so completely in everything we do..

I could go on and on because the list of women who have inspired me taught me learned with me and just BEEN with me through the good bad and ugly is dauntingly long.. suffice it to say I am abundantly blessed.. supremely grateful for all the wonderful gifts you bring to my life.. and am committed to all of you in equal measure! Thank you for being the (some or all) wild wacky weird and wonderful women you are and for everything you bring to the table! The world celebrates us on the 8th of March but I say to our great sisterhood.. let's just promise ourselves to celebrate each other.. support each other.. straighten each other's crowns.. feel free to reach out to each other and just keep rocking it every single day! 

As the R K Laxman joke goes.. She asked him "Why did you create only the common man and not the common woman?" He smiled and said "because a woman can NEVER be common!"

Remember that you are unique.. one of a kind.. and have some truly exceptional qualities that make you very special.. so stand tall.. keep smiling.. stay positive and keep believing in yourself.. for it is genuinely YOU who makes our world a wonderful place to live in! God  bless and much love always!!

and of course.. Happy Women's Day!!