30 YEARS AGO.. Pallu.. then & now!!

The 27th of February 1995 is a red letter date in my life.. it was a day of mixed feelings to the extreme.. of being "set free".. of getting a second chance at life.. of being alone but at the same time being completely with myself! It was the day I was awarded a Certificate of Annulment of marriage in the Ventura County court in Southern California! 

Nine months after a fairytale wedding I flew to the US with stars in my eyes all set to be the "perfect wife"..  but fate decreed otherwise..  It turned out that the fairytale metamorphosed into a nightmare beyond my wildest dreams! 

Growing up as "Papa's princess" disnt any any way prepare me for being locked up.. beaten up.. having my head banged against the wall.. being burned deliberately with lit cigarettes.. insulted verbally.. tortured mentally and emotionally etc.. 

I was in no way equipped to live with a philandering abusive alcoholic.. it was frightening suspenseful and everything in between! I tried talking to him.. loving him more.. asking him to come for couples therapy.. apologizing for who I was.. but nothing made a difference!

The last straw came when he told me in so many words "This is who I am and this is who I want to be.. if you want to stay you can stay.. if you.want to go you can go!" Living without love was difficult was painful.. living with total indifference was difficult but living with outright rejection was what was heartbreaking!

I was incredibly lucky to have somewhere to go.. have a loving family to stay with.. get access to a fabulous lawyer and be free of the "toxicity" but all I could think of was that I just wasn't "good enough" and came back to India with my self-esteem down to rock bottom zero or even lower!

It took many months of endless conversations with my parents.. a lot of time with good friends.. and some intense therapy to understand that addiction was an "illness".. that he was sick.. and that whatever had happened was NOT my fault.. Slowly I gathered myself and understood that being "nice" didnt mean being blind to the faults of others.. that being "unmarried" didn't have to "limit" me as a person.. and that I would be happy and smile again!

Time went by.. I "grew up".. found my own inner wellspring of confidence.. nursed both my parents through many years of a series of medical crises and multiple hospitalizations.. leanred fabulous coping skills.. met some wonderful people along the way.. and got inspired to begin my journey of personal spiritual growth.. 

Today I am taking "baby steps" but learning and realizing the truths of life every single day! I have become more "attuned" to people's energies and found the courage to walk away from negative and toxic people.. to end friendships that have drained more more than they have replenished me.. to find joy and peace within myself instead of seeking and chasing them externally.. and above all.. I have discovered and experienced the incomparable power of prayer!

The joy of "becoming myself" is unparalleled.. and choosing to do only what brings me joy is even better! Now I count my blessings.. surround myself with positive cheerful and happy people.. avoid the grouches.. celebrate every little joy.. reach out to those who genuinely need help.. and do whatever I can in my own little way to "spread the sunshine" and try to make this world a happier and nicer place to live in!

I have written this blog to say it is essential to practise gratitude actively.. to believe in yourself.. to love yourself.. to embrace solitude at times.. to accept whatever life throws at you with equanimity.. face it with strength and confidence and most of all.. keep praying and have the unshakeable faith that "if God brings you to it.. He also brings you through it" and to always remember that you are loved precious and a very special person to so many!!

Celebrating my very own personal "Independence Day" today with a heart full of love and gratitude to God.. the Universe and all of you for being in my life and enriching it! Wishing you all resilience confidence courage strength and unwavering faith as you navigate through life!

The final words of wisdom are.. keep believing in the essential goodness of human nature but don't be blind to people's faults.. stay away from "energy vampires".. keep believing in yourself.. stay positive and whatever happens.. don't give up!! 

As always.. thank you for reading and please write your name at the end of the comment (should you choose to write one)..

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU.. first and foremost!!

Valentine’s Day is the day of love.. romance.. lovers.. chocolates.. sentimental messages.. flowers.. rainbows.. teddy bears.. mushy endearments.. gifts.. jewellery.. cards and public displays of affection.. Right? Right.. this is Valentine’s Day as we know it..

Now that EQ (Emotional Quotient) is such a big thing.. Valentine’s Day is not just about celebrating your “special someone” or significant other.. but it is a day for spouses.. partners.. parents.. extended family.. children.. siblings.. friends.. and pretty much everyone else in your life!

Expressing your love for someone is a wonderful thing.. and for people who struggle to actually SAY those (sometimes very difficult) three little words”.. Valentine’s Day is a godsend because what you’re trying to say is pretty much understood without the awkwardness of actually HAVING to say it - in so many small but significant words!

How about you take a slightly different view of Valentine’s Day this year? You go “all out” buying presents.. drafting loving messages and feeling pressurized to “do things properly” to express your deepest feelings to others on this very important day.. BUT.. how about you celebrate YOURSELF this Valentine’s Day? After all, we all know you can’t pour from an empty cup.. so why not do what makes YOU happy this year? Weird? No.. Wonderful? Yes!!

How about you start with looking at yourself in the mirror and accepting yourself and loving yourself just as you are.. without wishing for fairer skin.. a more aquiline nose.. weighing 10 kilos less.. a fuller head of hair? How about you sit down quietly with yourself and by yourself and be grateful for having a calm temperament.. a loving heart.. a generous nature and a positive personality?

 Being your own Valentine first and foremost might sound a little unusual.. but it is essential to remind yourself that you are special.. unique.. and most of all – worthy of love! Give yourself a little love today.. be kind to yourself and treat yourself to your favourite chocolates.. go to your favourite spa for a foot massage.. take that afternoon siesta guilt-free.. and know that you deserve the best that you can give yourself!

At another level.. allow the love you feel flow to others less fortunate and do something for them that is not a daily gift.. organize or sponsor a meal for the underprivileged.. spend some time with the elderly.. reach out to a friend who’s going through a rough time and share a meaningful conversation (while keeping your phones switched off).. When you sit to pray.. give yourself the luxury of a little extra time and just count your blessings.. name them one by one.. and pray for brotherhood peace and love in the world!

Believe that today is a day to love yourself and tell yourself in the immortal words of the singer John Legend in as many ways as possible that

“All of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I'll give my all to you
You're my end and my beginning
Even when I lose, I'm winning
'Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you”

Love yourself.. share that love.. spread that love.. celebrate that love.. and here’s a very Happy Valentine’s Day to you!!

As always.. thank you for reading.. it means so much to me!!

EIGHT YEARS & COUNTING.. miss you Daddy!

Some dates on the calendar roll around so quickly it’s just uncanny.. before you even realize it.. the day is here once again! The 3^rd of February is like that for me.. today marks exactly eight years since you left me Daddy.. and I miss you every single day!

This year things are a little different though.. I miss you but the unbearable pain and sense of loss have metamorphosed into a calm acceptance that now I am truly “on my own” but you’re still “right here” with me in my mind heart and soul.. and that you’ll never leave me alone..

Today as I think of you.. it is with a sense of wonder as to how very wise you were.. how organized.. how practical and sensible.. and how blessed and lucky I am to have inherited some of these wonderfully desirable qualities (although to a much lesser extent) from you! Today as I think of you.. it is with the deepest gratitude for imparting to me the sense to know “right from wrong” and always choose the high road.. the one that is tougher but builds character courage and conviction in the long run!

Today as I think of you.. it is with appreciation for the virtues of punctuality integrity meticulousness compassion neatness gratitude and faith in the Almighty.. Today as I think of you.. it is with an overwhelming feeling of being blessed and lucky to be born to you and to get your love for books.. for reading.. for writing.. for language.. and for good music..

Today as I think of you.. it is with humility for teaching me important life lessons such as.. always selecting that best of what is available.. for understanding never to compromise on quality in the important things like work.. friends.. independence.. finances.. for not trusting blindly.. for always believing in myself.. for choosing to be efficient over being popular and most of all.. for giving 100% of myself to whatever I do!

Every girl’s Daddy is her hero and you will always be mine.. for leading by example.. for practicing what you preached.. for always understanding and “being there” rock solid no matter what.. Every girl’s Daddy teaches her things that nobody else does (mine taught me how to change a flat tyre!) and is her greatest cheerleader and supporter.. Thank you so much for being the best one possible!

Confession being good for the soul.. I also inherited your nasty temper and sharp tongue.. When I also achieved some of your wisdom, I realized that these were damaging me and doing more harm than good.. With some help from my “guru”.. my “soul family”.. some insightful books and some highly evolved friends, I began my “spiritual journey” and started working on myself.. Am very much a work in progress even today.. fortunately have managed to pretty much calm the temper and subdue the tongue.. and trying to achieve balance and build compassion and patience!

Eighty-eight plus years of a life filled with hard work.. dedication.. faith focus food and fun.. books and music.. honesty and humour.. discipline and control add up to the very special and unique person you were Daddy..

You left BIG shoes to fill and I am trying my best to be the daughter that will always make you proud and carry on your legacy of sterling qualities and values! Love you hamesha  and remembering you with very special love today Daddy!!

Thank you (as always) for reading and do please type your name at the end of the comment (should you choose to write one)!